Grieving before the end

It's funny the things that happen in your life when you face the impending death of a close family member…and the things you're suddenly unwilling to put up with, or oddly enough, will tolerate that you wouldn't in the past.

My mother was diagnosed with gallbladder cancer in January 2016, but had successful surgeries, a full spring and summer of chemotherapy, and was told August 2016 that she was in the clear. We were thrilled! Throughout the fall she continued to be tired, and never really got her energy levels back up, but it made sense given the chemo and surgeries/recovery times throughout the year. Unfortunately, at her 6 month CT follow up, they determined that the cancer was back, and more aggressive than previously. What came after that was jaundice, liver issues, stents, tubes, round after round of antibiotics and hospital admittances, finally rounded out with a terminal diagnosis on May 17, 2017.

There's not much to be said for the wave that sweeps over you when that final diagnosis is delivered. Despite any optimism, any denial you may have allowed yourself, the revelation that there is nothing more they can do to halt the spread of the cancer is something world-shattering and final.

My mother and I have had a difficult relationship at the best of times, and we've always had trouble communicating effectively. Two dominant personalities, in a family full of upheaval, struggling to be right – and it doesn't help that I am so very much like her. We clash frequently and furiously. There have been numerous occasions in my adult life that I've questioned whether she even likes me, and whether I like her (like and love do not have to exist together, let me tell you…family is a special sort of insanity). There were times when I simply could not comprehend her motivations or decisions on things in our lives, and she's had the same issues understanding me I know. Even when we've had lulls where we got along, there has always been tension and almost a palpable sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop; an acknowledgement that the truce is temporary, that we know around the corner another battle is brewing. All that aside, she's my mom, and now I'm facing life without her far FAR too early in my life.

It doesn't matter how old you are, when there are things in life you haven't gotten to experience yet, you think of your mother as part of those future experiences or plans. Every time I think of my future now, I see a hole, and feel the loss already. I know she's envisioned things that she now won't see in my life as well. She's gotten to see the engagement of 2 sons, and the birth of 2 grandchildren, which is wonderful…but it's never enough. She'll never see me get married, she'll never see me have my own children, help me decorate a new home, any of those things that we've talked about in the past.

I always thought by 35 I'd be married, and hopefully well on my way to starting my own family. Here I am a month away from that milestone, and instead, I'm trying to determine how to tackle things like going through my mother's sewing supplies and thinking about china figurines and cabinets and what should go to people. I still haven't met the man who'll walk through life with me, and stand by in times like these; instead I have a wonderful group of friends who call me to check up on things, and let me know they love me daily. The outpouring of love and support from people in my life has been tremendous. It doesn't matter how long I've known people, a month, a year, decades – for the most part, everyone has gone out of their way to show support and send good thoughts our way.

Then there's the minority, the few who are so entrenched in their own world and the belief that they are the center of everyone's lives, the ones who can't see past their own pain, ignorance, or internal narrative. People in this category relate to me the horrors of watching their own parent/friend/relative die, all in vivid detail, the entire time missing the cues that this isn't something I need to hear. And at the same time, it's almost a relief not to have them ask how I am, and ask the details of what my family and I are grappling with. There's almost a grisly fascination for people to hear every aspect, to dig into the meat of things...and an incomprehension of the idea that it's not something I want to talk about constantly. It's one thing for friends I trust who care about me to inquire, but people I scarcely know who find out something is going on, seem to not realize that there are boundaries, that I'm already grieving someone who hasn't gone yet. People seem to forget that your suffering isn't public property, that just because you're at the office, or out in public and appear ok on the surface, doesn't mean you actually are. There's also the people who flat out don't understand that at a time like this, I might not ask for help even if I need it, that when someone is a part of my life they need to actually be a part of it, or sod off. I've ended a decades long friendship in the last 2 months because I'm no longer willing to chase people down. If I'm important enough to be in your life, I deserve more than the occasional Facebook check in during the darkest days I've experienced. I realize that it's a confusing back and forth, but anyone who's ever gone through something like this will understand…I'm not necessarily in control of how I feel or what I need from people right now, despite my best efforts to maintain my precious balance and control. In line with that, despite wishing it would all go away, sometimes I desperately need to talk it all out (that's less common mind you), and end up going down the rabbit hole a bit. The key here is those who haven't walked this road get it anyways, and all of my friends quite frankly rock for putting up with me these days. Friends truly are the family you get to choose.

A lot of the time I just want to pretend that life is normal and my next worry is what to wear for my birthday party next month. That the big concern is learning the techniques for my new hobbies, like the best way to hold a pitchfork, or how to throw a stone. I want things to be simple and they're not. I want to be planning a fishing trip, instead of reading up on the hospice that my mother will spend her last days in.

I'm sorry for the times that I've been flakey or distant, bitchy or aggressive, any of the less than desirable traits I've exhibited in the last couple of months…the last couple of weeks in particular. Know that I love you all and appreciate what you bring into my life and the care and support that I've received, and continue to receive.

I know that this is going to pass, and it's just another phase in life…I'm just not sure what the other end is going to look like…

The tale of the disappearing mantis...

I've been absent from my blog for far too long…things have just been that crazy so far this year. I cannot believe it's already the 2^nd week of March – how the hell did that happen???

The last time I wrote, I was in the middle of trying to determine what was happening with the guy I'd started seeing at the beginning of December. My last post focused on the pitfalls of communicating with other people, particularly when launching a romantic relationship. It didn't end well…in fact,  it didn't really end per say – I got ghosted.

A friend dubbed this one the "Sailing Mantis", which is what we'll stick with as far as a name goes. It fits, because he was 6'6", very thin, and owns 2 sailboats which he races competitively. He's also older (mid-40's), French (not Quebecois), and one of the most frustrating people I've tried to interact with in a very long time.  I know I tend to ramble and write long detailed posts, but I'll try to condense the 6 weeks of bs into a shorter write up than usual. HA.

The Mantis had started contact with me initially back in 2012, right after my return from Ireland. I don't remember my reasons now, but despite him being attractive, sweet, funny and charming, for reasons known only to my 29 year old self, I made excuses when he asked me out and then let it dwindle away. In essence, I ghosted on him. Now, in fairness, we hadn't met in person, that being said I accept that I should have been honest with him if I didn't want to meet him instead of just disappearing on him. More on that later.

Fast forward to the end of November 2016 – The Mantis messaged me on POF again, and we started communicating constantly. Things were looking good, so we made our first date. I couldn't remember why I didn't want to see him in 2012, so I assumed it was a nothing issue (I'm famous for those…) and moved forward with plans for coffee at Chapters Metrotown. I started to feel off about it within a day of the plans, and worse as the moment approached…suddenly he was a little more difficult to get ahold of on Facebook Messenger  (our only mode of communication after POF – he never did give me his cell number), and he asked if we could push it to another time, etcetera, etcetera. I went along with it, feeling annoyed, but figured that it would work out in the long run. He showed up a few minutes late, but was nice and chatty, bought our coffees, and then we started walking the mall. We walked and talked for over an hour, and it wasn't the most pleasant coffee date I've ever had I must say, but I was determined to make the best of it. He talked about his boats a lot, and his drinking prowess, and his work as a management consultant, and about his family who are all back in Europe, who he's estranged from. There wasn't a lot of give and take and I honestly didn't think I wanted to see him again. He insisted on walking me to my car, where he gave me a hug and declared "You're very good looking, but I'm sure you know that". I wasn't sure how to respond, it didn't feel like a natural compliment…things got awkward and we joked about getting together again and I left it at that.

We continued talking and the following week we saw each other briefly while I was shopping in the vicinity of his office after work one evening. He went out of his way to come and meet me, and we sat in his car and talked for 15 minutes or so. It was strange, the conversation didn't flow and again he talked about his life and goings on, but showed little to no interest in me or mine. He also informed me at one point that in addition to being very sarcastic, he has no empathy within him. He said "I looked once, it's not there. If you want sympathy, get it from your friends or family, because you won't get it from me" – I didn't know what to do with that. I made my excuses and left, but he demanded a hug again, so I complied and exited the vehicle…feeling a little bit confused.

After that, communication continued on a regular basis, but I was definitely more interested and driving it I now realize. However, we made plans for him to come over the following weekend, between work and an event he had to attend. He was always flitting off to meetings or gatherings, and made it seem that I was fortunate to get any time at all; not a feeling I enjoyed.

When he came over the following Friday, we sat and had tea and chatted, and eventually he made a move on me. We ended up making out for quite a while…but again…it was strange, and I didn't really know what to think when all was said and done. Side note: I don't get it when people rave about how sexy the French accent is…it just does nothing for me LOL. The Mantis portion of the name came from my description of the make out session to a guy friend...I was trying to describe just how uncomfortable it had been, given his height...for him to loom over me on my love seat, with his extremely long legs, one folded up (uncomfortably I'm sure) and the other jutting out across the room...and the only thing I could liken it to was having a praying mantis on top of me. 

At any rate, over the course of the evening he had told me he was leaving Boxing Day (3 days later) headed to Montreal for New Years, and would be back mid-January. At the time, I figured we'd pick up with more dates and getting to know one another better; despite my initial misgivings, I was getting attached, as we women are wont to do.

We continued talking the entire time he was away but things felt very different, and then the tone of our chats turned very sexual. As in the only thing he really wanted to talk about what his plans for when we'd be alone together, and all sorts of fantasies and demands. He was very convincing, and I enjoyed the flirtation and how it made me feel and I allowed myself to get swept up in all of it…but then he didn't come back when he said he would. When my cat died and I was going through that awful experience, his responses were cold and unemotional, and he seemed to have forgotten about it by the next day. He had been completely serious when telling me he was unsympathetic – I was floored. When you're starting to see someone, you usually put the best you forward, try to make a good impression and solidify your image as someone they should want around – right?? It was like he was trying to win me over by being a jerk.

After this, apparently he extended his trip a week – but I only found out when I asked when he'd gotten home, and was told he was still in Montreal. Once he did get back he told me he was sick and to give him a couple of days, so I did, and asked if I could do anything to help…he managed to work sex into the conversation again, so I just let it go. When the weekend came I said I hoped we'd be able to get together if he was feeling better – he told me he would be racing his boat all weekend. So I asked (peevishly), "When do I get to see this boat that's so wonderful?" He said "When it's warmer probably" – this was Friday January 13^th, and the last night I heard from him.

After that exchange – there were a few other one line messages that night before silence descended – I decided to let him message me. After all, I'd been making it far too easy for him, I'd been doing the chasing, and we all know that men love the chase…at least that's what we're told.

Days went by with no messages…then weeks. Nothing.

I went from hearing from him constantly and being told "I'm going to dominate you", and told how sexy and beautiful I was every day, to nothing. Complete radio silence.

I've gone over the 6 weeks in my mind over and over, and talked about it with friends until they know the tale as well as I do…and none of us can figure out what happened. Was it some bizarre ego stroke for him? I've never encountered something like this where a guy was gung ho for sex but it never materialized…and he disappeared. Having dealt with the proverbial "hit it and quit it" situation in the past, that would have made sense…but this prolonged digital seduction and then nothing? Very perplexing.

So, I deleted him from my Facebook, took him off my favourites list on POF and have moved on…though it still niggles at me…and I wonder – was this some elaborate way of getting back at me for not dating him 5 years ago? I know, how narcissistic of me!!! But…could it be that? Is he that petty? Or was he just that big a jerk that my time and feelings didn't count in his super busy world? I will never know…but it solidified for me that I will NEVER ghost on someone again, and that being up front and honest in your communication is the best way to be.

Must remember to apply that one more…

So much for a shorter post haha

Communication and Dating: The Personal, The Textual, The Digital...

Why is it that you can have such utterly different views on how interpersonal encounters go?

Why do we end up with such vastly disparate understandings of what's going on during communication with another human being?

How is it that words can mean completely different things to people who are speaking the same language, written in black and white?

It is hard enough trying to have conversations with people you know well and feel you understand, but when you're trying to get to know someone, and you haven't truly learned their communication style or how they go about their interactions, it's a potential minefield of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and plain old frustration.

This is what I'm finding with dating now. At first it was just the bad dates (if you've forgotten, look back at previous posts LOL), and creeps who I wouldn't give the time of day in future. Now however, it's a matter of meeting nice, normal, successful, intelligent men and then having to navigate through the second date…and occasionally the third date. Once you've done that and enjoy one another's company how much do you communicate or don't, and what you do communicate, and when do you ask if they're seeing anyone else?

When do you feel comfortable with intimacy, whether it's been a topic or not? Just because you've made out and find each other attractive isn't enough of a reason to jump into bed – helluva motivation though! How do you decide to take a leap and chance that maybe they're just looking for a fling despite what you think they know – because have you actually told them your expectations, or did you assume they took your initial flirtations and statement of intent on some online site as real??

And then, what happens if you compound all of that normal, everyday romantic/dating/male-female whatever interplay with something traumatic or upsetting in the life of one of the parties, what do you do then? As the one dealing with it do you cut your losses when it's clear the other half isn't up to the situation or just doesn't engage on the level you need/want/expect? Do you wait it out and acknowledge that it's likely YOU that has to work through this and that you shouldn't let it impact what's going on with the other? As the other, what do you do with this information? Do you attempt to be supportive and see if something more comes of the burgeoning interaction/relationship-ish, or do you cut your losses because this is new and maybe this isn't what you really wanted to deal with at this point?

There are so many things that go on in the startup of any human relationship, be it platonic, professional, familial (new sibling etc), or romantic. It's impossible to know just what's going on in another person's head, even if they're telling you, because maybe it's only part of their truth – or none of it. Are we too scared of failure to be vulnerable and real? Is the instant gratification of texting and instant messaging destroying the mystery and excitement of new relationships and getting to know one another?

And on the topic of failure, texting, mystery and excitement - what about ghosting? I have a feeling I'll be writing about that sometime soon...just a gut feeling. It's so bizarre that it's become prevalent enough in our society to have an actual term associated with it...this modern dating trend towards disrespect of people's time and effort and emotions.

It's a wonder anyone gets together and procreates intentionally any more considering the hassles…

Hello 2017

Well, 2017 has started off with the same sort of tone as 2016.

While 2016 started with my mom getting a cancer diagnosis, at least it was treatable and she's come through everything wonderfully and the 2nd half of the year was great.


2017 was rung in with good friends and fun times initially, but January 2nd I had to make a very hard decision, as my 13 1/2 year old cat Saoirse, who I'd had since she was 9 weeks old, suddenly became gravely ill. I said goodbye to her early afternoon on the 2nd. I know I made the right choice, but it's still hard to handle at the moment - I just have to feel it for now and know that the pain will fade with time.

December however was chaotic, what with the start of our epic winter here in BC, the likes of which we haven't seen in a long time! Add to that the insanity of closing up files at work for the holiday closures, Christmas preparation, and just trying to stay on top of things at home, and there was hardly time to relax! :o

Dating has been more sporadic in the last month or so...I met someone new who intrigues me and I enjoy spending time with, but you never know where things are going to go early on right? We may be on totally different pages...who knows.

I think I'll be working on taking some classes in 2017, maybe getting out and expanding my circle (I know, Ms. Introvert trying to meet new people...HA!). I'm also going to try new things...push out of my comfort zone a little...not sure how I'll do that, but I'm sure I'll start small. Maybe I should get over my issues with boats this year. Or take up archery. Who knows haha

Here's to a great 2017 everyone!