Grieving before the end

It's funny the things that happen in your life when you face the impending death of a close family member…and the things you're suddenly unwilling to put up with, or oddly enough, will tolerate that you wouldn't in the past.

My mother was diagnosed with gallbladder cancer in January 2016, but had successful surgeries, a full spring and summer of chemotherapy, and was told August 2016 that she was in the clear. We were thrilled! Throughout the fall she continued to be tired, and never really got her energy levels back up, but it made sense given the chemo and surgeries/recovery times throughout the year. Unfortunately, at her 6 month CT follow up, they determined that the cancer was back, and more aggressive than previously. What came after that was jaundice, liver issues, stents, tubes, round after round of antibiotics and hospital admittances, finally rounded out with a terminal diagnosis on May 17, 2017.

There's not much to be said for the wave that sweeps over you when that final diagnosis is delivered. Despite any optimism, any denial you may have allowed yourself, the revelation that there is nothing more they can do to halt the spread of the cancer is something world-shattering and final.

My mother and I have had a difficult relationship at the best of times, and we've always had trouble communicating effectively. Two dominant personalities, in a family full of upheaval, struggling to be right – and it doesn't help that I am so very much like her. We clash frequently and furiously. There have been numerous occasions in my adult life that I've questioned whether she even likes me, and whether I like her (like and love do not have to exist together, let me tell you…family is a special sort of insanity). There were times when I simply could not comprehend her motivations or decisions on things in our lives, and she's had the same issues understanding me I know. Even when we've had lulls where we got along, there has always been tension and almost a palpable sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop; an acknowledgement that the truce is temporary, that we know around the corner another battle is brewing. All that aside, she's my mom, and now I'm facing life without her far FAR too early in my life.

It doesn't matter how old you are, when there are things in life you haven't gotten to experience yet, you think of your mother as part of those future experiences or plans. Every time I think of my future now, I see a hole, and feel the loss already. I know she's envisioned things that she now won't see in my life as well. She's gotten to see the engagement of 2 sons, and the birth of 2 grandchildren, which is wonderful…but it's never enough. She'll never see me get married, she'll never see me have my own children, help me decorate a new home, any of those things that we've talked about in the past.

I always thought by 35 I'd be married, and hopefully well on my way to starting my own family. Here I am a month away from that milestone, and instead, I'm trying to determine how to tackle things like going through my mother's sewing supplies and thinking about china figurines and cabinets and what should go to people. I still haven't met the man who'll walk through life with me, and stand by in times like these; instead I have a wonderful group of friends who call me to check up on things, and let me know they love me daily. The outpouring of love and support from people in my life has been tremendous. It doesn't matter how long I've known people, a month, a year, decades – for the most part, everyone has gone out of their way to show support and send good thoughts our way.

Then there's the minority, the few who are so entrenched in their own world and the belief that they are the center of everyone's lives, the ones who can't see past their own pain, ignorance, or internal narrative. People in this category relate to me the horrors of watching their own parent/friend/relative die, all in vivid detail, the entire time missing the cues that this isn't something I need to hear. And at the same time, it's almost a relief not to have them ask how I am, and ask the details of what my family and I are grappling with. There's almost a grisly fascination for people to hear every aspect, to dig into the meat of things...and an incomprehension of the idea that it's not something I want to talk about constantly. It's one thing for friends I trust who care about me to inquire, but people I scarcely know who find out something is going on, seem to not realize that there are boundaries, that I'm already grieving someone who hasn't gone yet. People seem to forget that your suffering isn't public property, that just because you're at the office, or out in public and appear ok on the surface, doesn't mean you actually are. There's also the people who flat out don't understand that at a time like this, I might not ask for help even if I need it, that when someone is a part of my life they need to actually be a part of it, or sod off. I've ended a decades long friendship in the last 2 months because I'm no longer willing to chase people down. If I'm important enough to be in your life, I deserve more than the occasional Facebook check in during the darkest days I've experienced. I realize that it's a confusing back and forth, but anyone who's ever gone through something like this will understand…I'm not necessarily in control of how I feel or what I need from people right now, despite my best efforts to maintain my precious balance and control. In line with that, despite wishing it would all go away, sometimes I desperately need to talk it all out (that's less common mind you), and end up going down the rabbit hole a bit. The key here is those who haven't walked this road get it anyways, and all of my friends quite frankly rock for putting up with me these days. Friends truly are the family you get to choose.

A lot of the time I just want to pretend that life is normal and my next worry is what to wear for my birthday party next month. That the big concern is learning the techniques for my new hobbies, like the best way to hold a pitchfork, or how to throw a stone. I want things to be simple and they're not. I want to be planning a fishing trip, instead of reading up on the hospice that my mother will spend her last days in.

I'm sorry for the times that I've been flakey or distant, bitchy or aggressive, any of the less than desirable traits I've exhibited in the last couple of months…the last couple of weeks in particular. Know that I love you all and appreciate what you bring into my life and the care and support that I've received, and continue to receive.

I know that this is going to pass, and it's just another phase in life…I'm just not sure what the other end is going to look like…

The tale of the disappearing mantis...

I've been absent from my blog for far too long…things have just been that crazy so far this year. I cannot believe it's already the 2^nd week of March – how the hell did that happen???

The last time I wrote, I was in the middle of trying to determine what was happening with the guy I'd started seeing at the beginning of December. My last post focused on the pitfalls of communicating with other people, particularly when launching a romantic relationship. It didn't end well…in fact,  it didn't really end per say – I got ghosted.

A friend dubbed this one the "Sailing Mantis", which is what we'll stick with as far as a name goes. It fits, because he was 6'6", very thin, and owns 2 sailboats which he races competitively. He's also older (mid-40's), French (not Quebecois), and one of the most frustrating people I've tried to interact with in a very long time.  I know I tend to ramble and write long detailed posts, but I'll try to condense the 6 weeks of bs into a shorter write up than usual. HA.

The Mantis had started contact with me initially back in 2012, right after my return from Ireland. I don't remember my reasons now, but despite him being attractive, sweet, funny and charming, for reasons known only to my 29 year old self, I made excuses when he asked me out and then let it dwindle away. In essence, I ghosted on him. Now, in fairness, we hadn't met in person, that being said I accept that I should have been honest with him if I didn't want to meet him instead of just disappearing on him. More on that later.

Fast forward to the end of November 2016 – The Mantis messaged me on POF again, and we started communicating constantly. Things were looking good, so we made our first date. I couldn't remember why I didn't want to see him in 2012, so I assumed it was a nothing issue (I'm famous for those…) and moved forward with plans for coffee at Chapters Metrotown. I started to feel off about it within a day of the plans, and worse as the moment approached…suddenly he was a little more difficult to get ahold of on Facebook Messenger  (our only mode of communication after POF – he never did give me his cell number), and he asked if we could push it to another time, etcetera, etcetera. I went along with it, feeling annoyed, but figured that it would work out in the long run. He showed up a few minutes late, but was nice and chatty, bought our coffees, and then we started walking the mall. We walked and talked for over an hour, and it wasn't the most pleasant coffee date I've ever had I must say, but I was determined to make the best of it. He talked about his boats a lot, and his drinking prowess, and his work as a management consultant, and about his family who are all back in Europe, who he's estranged from. There wasn't a lot of give and take and I honestly didn't think I wanted to see him again. He insisted on walking me to my car, where he gave me a hug and declared "You're very good looking, but I'm sure you know that". I wasn't sure how to respond, it didn't feel like a natural compliment…things got awkward and we joked about getting together again and I left it at that.

We continued talking and the following week we saw each other briefly while I was shopping in the vicinity of his office after work one evening. He went out of his way to come and meet me, and we sat in his car and talked for 15 minutes or so. It was strange, the conversation didn't flow and again he talked about his life and goings on, but showed little to no interest in me or mine. He also informed me at one point that in addition to being very sarcastic, he has no empathy within him. He said "I looked once, it's not there. If you want sympathy, get it from your friends or family, because you won't get it from me" – I didn't know what to do with that. I made my excuses and left, but he demanded a hug again, so I complied and exited the vehicle…feeling a little bit confused.

After that, communication continued on a regular basis, but I was definitely more interested and driving it I now realize. However, we made plans for him to come over the following weekend, between work and an event he had to attend. He was always flitting off to meetings or gatherings, and made it seem that I was fortunate to get any time at all; not a feeling I enjoyed.

When he came over the following Friday, we sat and had tea and chatted, and eventually he made a move on me. We ended up making out for quite a while…but again…it was strange, and I didn't really know what to think when all was said and done. Side note: I don't get it when people rave about how sexy the French accent is…it just does nothing for me LOL. The Mantis portion of the name came from my description of the make out session to a guy friend...I was trying to describe just how uncomfortable it had been, given his height...for him to loom over me on my love seat, with his extremely long legs, one folded up (uncomfortably I'm sure) and the other jutting out across the room...and the only thing I could liken it to was having a praying mantis on top of me. 

At any rate, over the course of the evening he had told me he was leaving Boxing Day (3 days later) headed to Montreal for New Years, and would be back mid-January. At the time, I figured we'd pick up with more dates and getting to know one another better; despite my initial misgivings, I was getting attached, as we women are wont to do.

We continued talking the entire time he was away but things felt very different, and then the tone of our chats turned very sexual. As in the only thing he really wanted to talk about what his plans for when we'd be alone together, and all sorts of fantasies and demands. He was very convincing, and I enjoyed the flirtation and how it made me feel and I allowed myself to get swept up in all of it…but then he didn't come back when he said he would. When my cat died and I was going through that awful experience, his responses were cold and unemotional, and he seemed to have forgotten about it by the next day. He had been completely serious when telling me he was unsympathetic – I was floored. When you're starting to see someone, you usually put the best you forward, try to make a good impression and solidify your image as someone they should want around – right?? It was like he was trying to win me over by being a jerk.

After this, apparently he extended his trip a week – but I only found out when I asked when he'd gotten home, and was told he was still in Montreal. Once he did get back he told me he was sick and to give him a couple of days, so I did, and asked if I could do anything to help…he managed to work sex into the conversation again, so I just let it go. When the weekend came I said I hoped we'd be able to get together if he was feeling better – he told me he would be racing his boat all weekend. So I asked (peevishly), "When do I get to see this boat that's so wonderful?" He said "When it's warmer probably" – this was Friday January 13^th, and the last night I heard from him.

After that exchange – there were a few other one line messages that night before silence descended – I decided to let him message me. After all, I'd been making it far too easy for him, I'd been doing the chasing, and we all know that men love the chase…at least that's what we're told.

Days went by with no messages…then weeks. Nothing.

I went from hearing from him constantly and being told "I'm going to dominate you", and told how sexy and beautiful I was every day, to nothing. Complete radio silence.

I've gone over the 6 weeks in my mind over and over, and talked about it with friends until they know the tale as well as I do…and none of us can figure out what happened. Was it some bizarre ego stroke for him? I've never encountered something like this where a guy was gung ho for sex but it never materialized…and he disappeared. Having dealt with the proverbial "hit it and quit it" situation in the past, that would have made sense…but this prolonged digital seduction and then nothing? Very perplexing.

So, I deleted him from my Facebook, took him off my favourites list on POF and have moved on…though it still niggles at me…and I wonder – was this some elaborate way of getting back at me for not dating him 5 years ago? I know, how narcissistic of me!!! But…could it be that? Is he that petty? Or was he just that big a jerk that my time and feelings didn't count in his super busy world? I will never know…but it solidified for me that I will NEVER ghost on someone again, and that being up front and honest in your communication is the best way to be.

Must remember to apply that one more…

So much for a shorter post haha

Communication and Dating: The Personal, The Textual, The Digital...

Why is it that you can have such utterly different views on how interpersonal encounters go?

Why do we end up with such vastly disparate understandings of what's going on during communication with another human being?

How is it that words can mean completely different things to people who are speaking the same language, written in black and white?

It is hard enough trying to have conversations with people you know well and feel you understand, but when you're trying to get to know someone, and you haven't truly learned their communication style or how they go about their interactions, it's a potential minefield of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and plain old frustration.

This is what I'm finding with dating now. At first it was just the bad dates (if you've forgotten, look back at previous posts LOL), and creeps who I wouldn't give the time of day in future. Now however, it's a matter of meeting nice, normal, successful, intelligent men and then having to navigate through the second date…and occasionally the third date. Once you've done that and enjoy one another's company how much do you communicate or don't, and what you do communicate, and when do you ask if they're seeing anyone else?

When do you feel comfortable with intimacy, whether it's been a topic or not? Just because you've made out and find each other attractive isn't enough of a reason to jump into bed – helluva motivation though! How do you decide to take a leap and chance that maybe they're just looking for a fling despite what you think they know – because have you actually told them your expectations, or did you assume they took your initial flirtations and statement of intent on some online site as real??

And then, what happens if you compound all of that normal, everyday romantic/dating/male-female whatever interplay with something traumatic or upsetting in the life of one of the parties, what do you do then? As the one dealing with it do you cut your losses when it's clear the other half isn't up to the situation or just doesn't engage on the level you need/want/expect? Do you wait it out and acknowledge that it's likely YOU that has to work through this and that you shouldn't let it impact what's going on with the other? As the other, what do you do with this information? Do you attempt to be supportive and see if something more comes of the burgeoning interaction/relationship-ish, or do you cut your losses because this is new and maybe this isn't what you really wanted to deal with at this point?

There are so many things that go on in the startup of any human relationship, be it platonic, professional, familial (new sibling etc), or romantic. It's impossible to know just what's going on in another person's head, even if they're telling you, because maybe it's only part of their truth – or none of it. Are we too scared of failure to be vulnerable and real? Is the instant gratification of texting and instant messaging destroying the mystery and excitement of new relationships and getting to know one another?

And on the topic of failure, texting, mystery and excitement - what about ghosting? I have a feeling I'll be writing about that sometime soon...just a gut feeling. It's so bizarre that it's become prevalent enough in our society to have an actual term associated with it...this modern dating trend towards disrespect of people's time and effort and emotions.

It's a wonder anyone gets together and procreates intentionally any more considering the hassles…

Hello 2017

Well, 2017 has started off with the same sort of tone as 2016.

While 2016 started with my mom getting a cancer diagnosis, at least it was treatable and she's come through everything wonderfully and the 2nd half of the year was great.


2017 was rung in with good friends and fun times initially, but January 2nd I had to make a very hard decision, as my 13 1/2 year old cat Saoirse, who I'd had since she was 9 weeks old, suddenly became gravely ill. I said goodbye to her early afternoon on the 2nd. I know I made the right choice, but it's still hard to handle at the moment - I just have to feel it for now and know that the pain will fade with time.

December however was chaotic, what with the start of our epic winter here in BC, the likes of which we haven't seen in a long time! Add to that the insanity of closing up files at work for the holiday closures, Christmas preparation, and just trying to stay on top of things at home, and there was hardly time to relax! :o

Dating has been more sporadic in the last month or so...I met someone new who intrigues me and I enjoy spending time with, but you never know where things are going to go early on right? We may be on totally different pages...who knows.

I think I'll be working on taking some classes in 2017, maybe getting out and expanding my circle (I know, Ms. Introvert trying to meet new people...HA!). I'm also going to try new things...push out of my comfort zone a little...not sure how I'll do that, but I'm sure I'll start small. Maybe I should get over my issues with boats this year. Or take up archery. Who knows haha

Here's to a great 2017 everyone!

How to avoid being murdered in a warehouse by the river...or, tales from Tinder.

We're all familiar with my adventures on POF, correct? Well, I decided to try something new - Tinder. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Isn't that just for hookups?" You're not wrong if you take it at face value, based on the majority of posts and profiles, believe me!  However, I've heard of a handful of women I actually know, having been on some lovely dates with nice guys, and a couple of them even struck up meaningful relationships as a result. Will wonders never cease?!

Last week I started chatting with a perfectly normal seeming man, let's call him Bob...who works as a contractor in some outlandish specialized field catering to the wealthy in our region. Bob, it turns out, was also in band as a teenager and we both lamented on having gone through more than our share of reeds playing alto saxophone and the costs to our respective mothers of said reeds. We had some fun back and forth, agreed we each found the other appealing and that conversation seemed to be going well.

Then he started talking about how much he loves heavy metal and how it's his outlet - and gee isn't it handy that he lives in an apartment in an industrial neighborhood with no neighbors so he can play as loud as he wants without bothering anyone? He also told me that an ex-girlfriend had broken up with him over the music...always interesting. When I asked how that came to be, he explained that she was weak minded. Ah...good to know.
Still, you never know why a relationship fails or prospers, so I opted reserve judgement. I mean, after all, musical taste isn't a dealbreaker for me - unless they can't stand country...then we're done. ;)

So, we continued talking, and he invited me to come over for "grilled cheese and a movie", since he was planning a quiet night in. I must say, I was actually considering it...for the first time in a while I was talking to a guy who wasn't asking sexually loaded questions or throwing out ultimatums about what sort of woman he needs in his life, or bragging about his vehicle/genitalia/vacations/salary/etc. Pretty heady stuff *rolls eyes*. As we talked I told him it would take me some time to get out to his area, since he was over 2 bridges, and suggested we meet at a pub halfway instead - largely because I had made a vow after the last 3 not to go out of my way to meet a first date - only to be rebuffed. He told me that he didn't have any disposable income at the moment, or he would of course want to go out. That was red flag number one...no disposable income whatsoever? Not even enough for coffee or a beer? I've been strapped in the past, but I've always found a little bit of wiggle room.

I decided to offer an alternative to keep things closer to home - literally - and said he could come to my place then if he liked, since he wasn't working that afternoon, and it would be easier. "I don't drive" he says. I responded with "Aah, I see", as an adult human male outside my neighborhood/on the other side of the river who doesn't drive is in fact a deal breaker for me. In response he said "I mean I do drive, I just don't have a company truck today".
Me: "So you just don't have your own vehicle then?"
Bob: "Yeah, it's a long story haha"
Me: "I have time..."
Bob: "Later"  - Red flag number two.

My curiosity was definitely piqued at this point, and I was starting to wonder just what his agenda was. I agreed to meet him, simply to get his address and see where this mysterious "industrial neighborhood" at the foot of the Alex Fraser bridge was. I told him that I was taking a risk in meeting a strange fellow at his place, and he responded (a little too quickly) that he was taking a chance having a "potentially crazy stalker chick" to his place, but that he was "willing to take the risk". A little too slick on the response there buddy boy. - Red flag three.

He sent me his address, which I promptly entered into Google maps...which was (drumroll please!) a warehouse. Not an apartment building in a warehouse district - a full-on warehouse. He also gave me his cell number, and told me to text when I arrived...

Bob: "Text me when you arrive and I'll show you where to park. It'll be unit #10" (Bob's unit in the warehouse is #4 btw)
Me: "I Google mapped it for directions...it's a warehouse...like, an actual warehouse, not an apartment?!"
Bob: "Yeah, I know, weird right?"
Me: "Yeah, really adds to the randomness thing..."
Bob: "Ahah"

RED ALERT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. MAN THE ESCAPE PODS.

I sat back and thought about it for a few minutes...the only conclusion I could come to was that he was going to have me park a ways away from the unit he was living in, and that "bad things" would happen to me, and my car would likely disappear and no one would ever know what happened to me.

SO, given that he didn't know my last name, email, cell number, address, where I worked or anything else...I unmatched him on Tinder and tore up the piece of paper with his number and address on them. Thankfully on Tinder, once you unmatch someone, your messages disappear and the connection is gone too. They can never message you again unless you re-match.

So there you have it folks...don't go to industrial areas at night, because you'll likely disappear.

Maybe I've been watching too many BBC crime dramas on Netflix...but I figure I made a good decision - don't you??

Why you should never date a prison guard...

I’ve had yet another awful date…and this one takes the cake!

Zack, who works in corrections, and has the personality of papier mache (and about the same complexion), pursued me off and on through a local dating site for about several years. I never went out with him because a) I was young and didn't think his job was hot enough (yes, I admit it), and b) he lives in Abbotsford. Periodically he'd message me and I'd get out of it...for a while we were even Facebook friends...but  I always cut contact after not too long. Well, this time, I've been reading a book about settling for Mr. Good Enough if you want to get married and have a family...so I figured, why not? He's still into me, he's messaged me again...I'll see what he's like! No. Just go with your gut if you're ever in this situation...trust me. 

I had been text messaging with him for a couple of days when he started talking about sex, and his equipment, and my body, even when I requested he not. I was told "don't want a shy woman ;)" - wait, so I don't get an opinion on topics of conversation that make me uncomfortable? Ok, cool, good to know... I let that pass and figured maybe he was just overly brash by text...so we made plans for dinner a couple weeks ago, and I drove out to the valley on my day off in order to meet him. Let's be honest, I've made a habit of trekking out to meet guys and they're ALWAYS a disappointment...so at least I've learned that lesson...finally.  On this particular occasion I left late afternoon on my day off, and got into the traffic shuffle of rush hour in the Lower Mainland, fully aware that it would take me quite a while to get out to Abbotsford for the meeting. That being said, I had never been to House of James (Christian bookstore & coffee shop), so I was looking forward to getting to finally check it out. 

After a little under 2 hours in bumper to bumper traffic on Hwy 1, I arrived in Abbotsford and set out to explore the store - dangerous...but that's another story! ;)

Not long after I got out there and he called to say he was going to be late, but that I should pick him up at his place and we'd go for Chinese. Now, I've already driven all the way out there and he expects me to pick him up...that didn't sit well with me. When I got there, he was indeed late, and showed up in ripped clothes, and not even stylishly weathered...I mean jeans he'd torn the knee on, that weren't hemmed short enough for him so they were frayed and filthy - another so called 5'8", this time he was shorter than me in my 1.5" heels. In the end he took one look at my little beater of a car and we took his...and by the way - he's an aggressive driver who doesn't use turn signals. SOOO exciting.

You know what else is fun? Having your date put his head down on his crossed arms at the table half a dozen times, check the football score, and then start talking about the well known local convicted serial killer who's on his block that he speaks to every day.  


He also insisted on talking about future dates and spending nights and weekends together, and complaining that we would have to stay at his place all the time, since my parents live upstairs from me (an increasingly regular occurrence for singletons in the GVRD due to the economy and housing costs!). I disabused him of the notion that my parents aren't human beings with a sex life of their own, and assured him that I carry on a normal social and romantic life in my own home...and in the end I put it quite bluntly - "get over it". Not that he had a snowball's chance of ever needing to worry about it at this point!

But wait - it gets better!!!! When the bill came, he didn't even turn it over to look at it...just leaned back in his chair and asked how much it was when I reached - then asked if I wanted to "just split it down the middle" and said he would pay next time - not that there would be a next time! So I went along with it, I just wanted to get back to my car (parked at his place argh) and go home...an hour drive away. After paying, as we walked out of the restaurant, he grabbed the back of my neck and gave me a couple half hearted one handed squeezes...I shrugged him off, and the next thing I knew he hauled off and smacked my ass so hard he knocked me forward 2 steps. Now, I'm a big, curvy girl...he put some oomph behind that smack. I whipped around, "EXCUSE me?!" and he just grinned at me and said "Just a tap" and shrugged his shoulders.  I was then regaled with how hard it is for anyone he dates with his schedule, and that when he's on his 4 days on schedule, I would have to accept never getting to see him. Oh shoot...

Jump to us arriving back at his place, and him asking if I want to come up. I ended up saying yes, simply because I needed to use the bathroom, but he got snarky and said I could say no if I wanted to. Just to spite him I reiterated that I would come up - for half an hour. When we got upstairs, I realized I couldn't bring myself to use his washroom, so sat gingerly on the couch...at which point he demanded a back rub. Yup...that happened...

So you know what? I gave him one. With my elbows. After 5 or so minutes I told him I was getting sore, and he had begun whimpering, so I figured I'd made my point - until he laid back and put his head on my chest and told me how much he liked having me there. Good lord...the man had no idea what he was doing, or the effect he was having on me!!!

At exactly 30 minutes after arriving, I told him I had to leave...and got up, heading for the door. He came up and hugged me, then kissed my cheek, and asked if he was going to get to see me again. I replied "anything is possible" and legged it out the door. 

This one really was one of the more interesting ones in a while...but seriously?! What is it about me that inspires this sort of thing? I clearly need to set some better boundaries, or just stop dating for a while...

Carpenters and couriers and men who can't read a clock...

Ok, so fall 2016 has been another adventure in bad dates...to the point where I've almost got a ritual of going home, putting on pjs, turning on Netflix and pouring myself a (very nice!) glass of scotch. My Facebook friends are even starting to recognize what it means when I post a photo of scotch in front of the tv. Yes, it's been that much fun!

A brief recap...starting in the last week of September we had Aaron, who is a driver for a large courier chain.

Aaron sleeps with his 100+pound pitbull mix dog, the hair on his arms had hair I SWEAR, said he was 5'8" and was barely the same height as me - 5'5", maybe 5'51/2" in sneakers. He was late, after I went to his neighborhood...a cardinal sin, but the main similarity in ALL THREE of my bad dates so far this fall. Go figure. He'd seemed really nice and sweet when we were talking on the phone and texting, but when we came face to face, there was absolutely zero chemistry...I've had better chemistry with waiters at Boston Pizza. I will say, he paid for our drinks, and walked me to my car, and never bothered to message me again - I'm thinking the lack of spark was mutual. That, or he picked up the crazy I was throwing down. I started talking about how many babies I want, and how crazy my family is, and told him I've got a temper...none of which scared him off. It was bizarre! I think me beating a path for my car and putting the door between us was his hint though. I do wish him all the best though, we just weren't a match.

After that came the Big Gay Whistler Wedding for my friend and his new hubby. I had high hopes of meeting up with a lovely bearded Scotsman I'd gone out with last fall when he was in the city...sadly, our schedules didn't match up, and I was left messaging a guy name Stew I'd met online.

Stew and I had been talking for about a week off and on at that point, and he'd just gotten back from visiting his hometown in the maritimes. Shock of shocks, he asked me out on a proper date (to a BC Lions game...meh), and didn't mention sex or even make an innuendo once. He was the picture of polite and I was really looking forward to finally meeting a nice guy. A few days later, once I was back in town, we decided to meet up for a drink rather than wait for the game day to roll around. Boy am I glad we did... Once again, I drove out to where he lived, and once again, my date was late. For the first time in my life I nearly walked out of a pub before a date arrived! He kept texting and saying he was 5 or 10 minutes away, and when he finally showed up he was 35 minutes late. He ordered 2 pounds of hot wings and a caesar, and proceeded to dunk his fingers in his glass to fish out the garnish, and then attacked this plate of wings and just...sauce...everywhere...talking around it, and he did. not. shut. up. He was wiry and pale, and sat sort of hunched over like someone was going to sneak up and take his food. I was regaled with several bizarre tales about how difficult his life has been since moving to BC, and how he actually hates working and all the people out here, but that he's just got to keep going. I didn't even order a drink...I sipped water...and after about 45 minutes I finally made my excuses and went to leave - he insisted on walking me to my car. The waitress didn't know what to make of him, she kept walking past and making faces at his back, picking up stuff he'd knocked off the bar station next to him or his jacket he dropped multiple times. It was something else... I did the slow fade on that one and he didn't really seem terribly bothered in the end. Home to Netflix and scotch that night.

(Not that I have all of these...but I'd like them haha)

So, part of this is on me - I should have left when Stew was more than 10 minutes late, and really I shouldn't have gone out of my way to go to meet them. That being said, it's interesting just how many men are willing to behave like total prats and don't seem to get that they're not showing ANY manners to their dates.

What's the opinion on how much effort to put into a date? Should we women be asking, or driving out of our way, and putting all the effort in, or should we require men to prove their interest?

And more importantly, why do I keep getting treated like an option, rather than a prize?

Online dating misrepresentation: or, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Vancouver edition...

Why do people lie online?

I'm starting to feel as though I may be part of a floundering minority: the confused few who tell the truth in the online world(s).

For the 2^nd time in 5 or so months I had a first date with a man who proved not to be the man in the photo I'd been conversing with. Now, I'm used to men using old photos of themselves…prior to weight gain or hair loss, but there's a huge difference between wishful thinking and blatant falsification.  The most interesting thing in both instances is that they weren't using photos of guys who resembled them at all, but neither photo was actually any better looking than the actual individual who showed up. I find this REALLY confusing and frustrating, anyone else with me on this??

Case 1: The guy I was talking to for a couple of weeks was sweet, interesting, polite, and while he wasn't anything to write home about, I thought that I'd meet up with him and see how it went. The photo on his profile was a tall, lanky, moustached hipster type, fair skinned with brown hair. The fellow who showed up at the restaurant was a middling height, patchy beard bearing, stocky, bespectacled Hispanic man. He was here from El Salvador working with Telus, learning new techniques for his company which Telus outsources work to. As nice as he was, and as well as conversation flowed (a) there was no spark on my end, and (b) he essentially started off our entire interaction with a lie.  I never addressed it, but I never saw him again. I was totally flabbergasted, as I'd never encountered such a blatant bait and switch before.

Case 2: A man started messaging me about a week and a half ago, and we seemed to hit it off, and when we spoke on the phone there seemed to be potential so we made plans to get together last night. I'd had qualms when he wouldn't send another photo, as he only had one on his profile, and it looked a bit young for a 40 year old…but I figured I'd wait and see, and anticipated maybe a weight gain and some hair thinning. Once again, I waited patiently for my date, and the man who walked up was NOT the one in the photo. Instead of a 6' tall man with big brown eyes, brown hair and a bit of a baby face for 40, I was approached by someone who was 5'8" at the most, blond, balding (a lot), blue eyes, looked 45 if he was a day and just clearly was NOT the person in the photo. He was polite and attractive in his own right, as well as fit, so I'm utterly at a loss as to why he didn't use his own photo. The only thing that I can think is that he's married, and that he's definitely lying about his age.  He also talked about how he's  house sitting for friends in Richmond and can't wait to get back into the market, but that he also travels a lot and often spends a week or two in Calgary – none of this was mentioned prior to meeting face to face…coincidence? I think not.

It seemed to me that both of these men were trawling online for quick fun, using all of the buzzwords that they thought would get them somewhere with a local gal and not get them into any trouble. Am I crazy? I've heard of men who have multiple girlfriends, the proverbial girl in every port…but I think I'm finally starting to see the modern development of it…

What's a girl to do?!

I think I learned a new euphemism for rehab tonight...

Wow, it's been 13 1/2 months since my last entry...I need to work on that eh??

I couldn't resist tonight, after 3 hours in Metrotown with a guy from Eharmony, who really made me question the legitimacy of their supposedly accurate matches!!

I started communicating with "Bob" through the Eharmony patented "guided communication" about 4 days ago. We quickly moved over to our regular email addresses, but he didn't want to talk endlessly online because he said he was more energetic and personable in person. This didn't seem odd, lots of guys don't like online communication all that much, and generally can't seem to spell at more than a 4th grade level, which makes reading their communiques less than stimulating. We made plans to meet this evening for coffee at the Metrotown Chapter's Starbucks, and continued communicating the last couple of days via email off and on...despite his protestations against emailing much...with him initiating the online communication daily. Okie dokie.

I have to say, the long (as in 5-7 hours) gaps between emails seemed a tad strange to me in this uber connected day and age...but I figured he was busy working or something, or meeting other gals from the site or something, nothing outrageous.

I showed up at the mall early, so I could do some browsing (I do loooove my books mmmm), and when I spotted Bob, I was a tad disappointed... Why is it that men never seem to update their dating profile photos? Oh, sure, his face looked the same, same haircut...but I'd wager his photos (which I thought were reasonably cute) are at least 2-3 years old, which in many cases isn't a big deal - I myself haven't changed much in the last several years, in some cases appearing to age backwards it seems :p - but it's the weight that had changed. In his photos I would have described him as "sturdy", but the fellow I encountered in Starbucks was more on the hefty side...which I learned is due partially to 4+ Timmy's double doubles a day, constant fast food and various other bad habits. Now, I know, people in glass houses, etc, BUT I update my photos every few months and make sure they're an accurate representation of me physically. No guy will ever have cause to say "you don't look like your picture" to me!! 

We started talking and it was clear to me that something was up...it turns out he's not from here, he's from Alberta, and he's out here "at a wellness course for a couple of months" and once that's done he's going to work on a big project back in Edmonton, and then he'll move out here because it will provide better balance for him which will keep him on an even keel and then he won't need to do things like take 2 months off to go learn how to live right and make healthier choices and decompress. Apparently this "course" is in a compound, and you have to do chores and group work and feelings talks and journaling and there's no cell phones allowed and limited internet use, and on and on. Anyone else thing that sounds a helluva lot like rehab???? 

It also turns out he has quite an extensive knowledge of the BC drug trade, and players in certain areas and who controls what...always interesting to find out :p What's a farm boy from Alberta doing with THAT knowledge? Makes me wonder what business he'd be doing out here! 

It gets better...in his mid 20's he was driving drunk and leapt a highway, then plowed into a wall at 150kph and nearly died...and he didn't even get charged with anything! He was also pretty proud of all the impaired charges his "very expensive, very good" lawyers had gotten him out of, on all sorts of technicalities. The kicker was learning later that he has a BC driver's license, even though he was born and raised in AB  and lives and works there now...know why he keeps it? Because the bulk of his driving (of course) is in AB, and therefore charges and tickets don't go on his BC license, he just pays them off. What. The. Frell. Seriously...I cannot even make his crap up.

He also had a Tinder incident with his ex...as in she found out he was on Tinder while they were together. His justification? He wasn't meeting up and having sex or anything, he was just chatting and looking...yeah...no. Wow.

I could go on and on and on...he has a totally normal family, his brothers are doctors and other professionals, his sister is studying law...he's super smart himself, but apparently just doesn't use his brain at all. Boggles the mind!!

He insisted on walking me to my car in the underground, so he could be sure I wouldn't get mugged...I was honestly afraid he was going to make a move, and all I could think was "is that the start of a cold sore on his lip?"  He was pretty jittery after 2 giant coffees, and I made my excuses about having to be up at 6am for work...and he went off to catch the skytrain back to the compound...I'm still not sure where exactly that is, but hey, ignorance may be bliss.

I guess a guy in rehab is several steps up from the shatter junkie who tried his darnedest to move in on my whole life in the 8 days we went out last summer...or the Brazilian Hank Moody wannabe in 2014 who was seeing multiple women at the same time. At least now I'm seeing the red flags ahead of time haha Now the key is just moving away and ending communication. I highly doubt I'll see Bob again, which is probably for the best. The dude even knows what drug/street gangs started in my town...that creeped me out ore than a little, SO not a good sign :p

Still holding out hope that I'll meet a nice, reasonably sane, non-addict, nerdy, slightly left of center kind of guy...preferably one without a checkered past or insane exes with kids...I know, I'm asking a lot aren't I?? ;)

Back into the trenches...

Welcome to 2015!

Well ladies and gentlemen, it's 2015 - can you believe it?! I had hoped to get out for a little bit of fun new year's eve, but instead I had to settle for running a fever on the couch. Oh  well, I had my cat, Netflix, some tea and a good chicken pot pie to keep me occupied.

I always make grand pronouncements at new year's, setting all manner of lofty goals and generally setting myself up for disappointment down the road. This year I am determined not to do that, but I still want to look forward with some sort of anticipation...so the question is, how to do that without expectations? 

For  now, I'm going to work on a recent project I've taken on: learning how to get enrolled in part-time studies at BCIT for database construction & administration. In the 6 months I've spent working at the hospital foundation I've learned a lot of things about myself, and about different types of work. Everything became clear to me Christmas Eve, and I realized that I need to start looking at what I want to do in 10, 15, 20 years, not just what I could be doing for a year or two or what could be a stepping stone. I've also learned where my strengths lie, mainly in leaving somewhere that I had a strong skillset and experience, to do something new that I *thought* was going to be a grand career move on the path upwards. Sometimes you have to leave something to realize it's what you wanted all along...maybe just not in the exact format you had it before. Confused yet? That's alright...I'm still sorting it all out myself! haha

I'm also going to try to do at least a few things this coming year that are new, or take me ever so slightly out of my comfort zone. Going to Australia in October was definitely out of my comfort zone, and I got to meet some wonderful people, and reconnect with dear friends. I have however discovered that I'd still rather vacation in Ireland during spring or fall, where the jetlag is less severe and I'm more accustomed to the weather! ;) That being said, maybe I'll try Scotland next time - though I think it'll be in a couple of years, since I'm planning to start classes this spring (barring any unforseen issues with admissions and registration of course).

So, no grand ideas for the year, just working on getting myself on track to do something I find stimulating as a career a year or two down the road, with a little more practical education on it under my belt. Nothing  major...but I have to say, I'm definitely excited about the possibilities...it should be interesting to say the least!

And now, off to continue my recovery from this dreaded cold. Time for another cuppa I think!

When every little thing pisses you off...

What do you do when every little thing gets under your skin and drives you crazy?

Work today flew by, and kept me on my toes, which was good - who doesn't love it when Monday ends swiftly?

Even going outside at lunch in the drizzle when I forgot my umbrella wasn't that bad, because I was able to read for a little bit before heading back to the office.

The entire day was actually fine, until I walked out the doors of the hospital at 4:35pm and it was black and pouring rain. I love rain, everyone who knows me can attest to that...hell, I even look forward to rain in Dublin whenever I'm over there during spring or fall (best times of year to visit Ireland in my opinion by the way). So what's the deal?! From the moment I stepped off the 155 bus to wait for the C3 community shuttle, I just *knew* that the evening was shot, no matter what else happened. Talk about a self fullfilling prophecy. :(

The community shuttle didn't come, well...it went down the hill and then never came back up. The one that came after it almost drove past me, and then claimed he didn't hear me ring the bell for my stop so almost blew past it. My umbrella was leaking as well....since when do umbrellas leak?? 

I didn't take this photo, but this is what it looks like out there this evening...it is cold, and POURING rain. So what did cranky little old me do? I drove up to the Sears Clearance Centre, under the misguided notion that I might be able to find a headboard or an a/v stand, or even a new set of sheets - SOMETHING to make me feel like I'd done something this evening. Nevermind the fact that I accomplished a huge amount of things at work today, and I have dozens of things I should be doing at home, no, I needed something else.

I keep trying to find things to feel grateful about, but I keep coming up against my own negativity...despite being aware of the fact that I'm incredibly blessed in my life in so many ways.

So, tonight, I am going to make a concerted effort to find 3 things that I am truly grateful for, and I'm going to focus on them for the next 24 hours if I feel negativity creeping up on me.

1. Opportunity. I was given the opportunity to go to an amazing conference related to my career last week. As a result, I have many, many new things to think about and process that should enable me to become more efficient and focused in my work. This renewed efficiency and focus will then hopefully lead to increased satisfaction at work, or at least less frustration with myself and my skillset, and eventually a more balanced sense of self.

2. Healthcare. In August I had a migraine which presented different from many of the other headaches I've had over the last 23 years of suffering from these wondrous little brain gems. It resulted in me making the quick walk across the lobby to the ER at work, and getting examined by a resident, and consequently having a referral sent to the Rapid Access Neurology Clinic at Eagle Ridge Hospital. The neurologist was confident that everything was completely normal, made a few recommendations on supplements I could try taking, and put in a request for an MRI angiogram at the earliest opening. Well, that opening is this Friday at 8pm. I have to say, even though I'm reasonably certain that there is nothing wrong  (I've had a head CT done in the past and nothing abnormal showed up, and I haven't had any extreme migraines since the episode in August), I'm nervous and stressed. This may or may not be playing a part in the mood I seem to be in tonight...but, all the same, I am incredibly grateful that this sort of diagnostic testing is available and that the physicians I have dealt with have not been dismissive or apathetic. Nothing to do but wait and see what the tests say eh?

3. Knowledge Network. Ok, this one is silly, but as I sit here trying to come up with profound things to be greateful for...public broadcasting comes to mind. Yet again, the Knowledge Network is playing one of he dozen or so programs hosted by Neil Oliver, an adventurous little Scotsman with longish hair and a penchant for the ancient (which helps in the field of archaeology no doubt! lol). This fellow is just so engaged in every aspect of the topics he presents on, not al of which focus on archaeology...and there's just something soothing about listening to his brogue and the passion as he shares with the world that which has captivated him. I have to say, I end up captivated too! Tonight's program is about Stonehenge, what a topic...and neolithic tombs - which I've visited in Ireland, so it makes it all the more real and immediate to me.

Right, so, there we go...3 things I'm grateful for. What do we think folks? I'm going to attempt to focus on these 3 things for the next day or so, as I finish preparing for the big Board meeting at work Wednesday morning. I pray that I am able to find a small space in my mind to establish a bastion of positive energy as we move into the long, dark, wintery bleakness...and hopefully grow that, or at least not turn all the way to the winter doldrums and grumps this year.

17 days til Australia!!!

Well, it's actually happening...I depart for Australia in 17 days and 14 or so hours.

It's strange to think that less than 6 months ago I had no inkling whatsoever that I would be in a new career, preparing for a trip to the other side of the world. 

I thought today would be a good day to re-enter the world of blogging, as it's my 32nd birthday today, and I'm trying to turn over a new leaf with regards to more an a few things.

My new career is demanding, somewhat stressful (mostly owing to the sharp learning curve and the fact that I've only been there...let's see...just over 11 weeks now. Wow...there are days it feels like forever, as though I should already be proficient at my job and not be making any mistakes - and then I remember...it hasn't even been 3 months yet! AND on top of that, we have a new President & CEO who started this week, so I'm adjusting to him, and we're each learning the other's style and rhythms. Add to that the fact that I had to plan, coordinate and ensure the smooth running of a Board committee meeting as well as a Board orientation presentation and hospital site tour this week, and have to finalize preparations for a full Board meeting which is happening on Wednesday ... Well, I'm completely wiped.

That being said, what we do saves lives down the road, as trite as that sounds. The Royal Columbian Hospital is a remarkable place, and it's great having the opportunity to work at the hospital I was born in and have had the benefit of being treated in more an a few times...as well as maaaaany family and friends over the decades. I just need to keep my head on straight, and remember that this initial stage of newness will pass - I'm already feeling more confident about some of the smaller things, just need to get a system sped out for recurring tasks and contact. It's actually kind of exciting when I get the chance to step back and think about it, really look at what I've accomplished in a given week.

So, with all of that in mind, I have to start preparing for Oz!!!

I got suitcase last week (thank you Grandma for an early birthday present!!!), and I need to start pondering what will go into said lovely blue suitcase. 

I've been assembling a few little gifties for Rebecca, Lionel and their kiddos, little bits of Canadiana that are silly but since they're being amazing friends and opening their home and their holiday time to me...what's a gal to do but show her appreciation!!! 

I'll post more details about the trip as I get closer, but for the time being...I have to get out of my pjs, rouse Saoirse from her sentry post atop my feet, and prepare to leave the house.

Today my cousin Harley is playing rugby near our house, and I'm going to go relive a bit of our youth watching him play...it's been at least 10 years since I've seen a game, so it's high time I think! Tonight is a smallish dinner for my birthday with friends and family, so I'd best prepare for that too!

17 1/2 days...wow they're going to blow by quickly! 

So what do men really think about sex and when you have it?

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been back in the online dating world, trying to make things happen, with no success.

I had an almost encounter the other day with a guy I know from real life (back in the day at least...) who I've run into online a few times. I was optimistic about it, we were super flirty and having fun emailing and texting, but it looks like it's likely going to fade out for one reason or another. Too bad too, he's a great guy and he has these amazing blue eyes...and this cheeky smile, ANYWAY, moving on haha I'd have happily seen where it could end up but, life goes on, am I right?? : ) However, our conversations and the vibe the last time we messaged have left me pondering something that's been on my mind for a while now.

I'm curious what men really think about women and sex and when you have it and everything else. We all know the old conundrum...women are told to be empowered, feel sexually confident, pursue men, be in control of their sexual and romantic destiny in this modern era - but always keep in mind that if you have sex or talk about it too early, you're branded easy or a slut, and aren't relationship material that they would take home to meet the parents. I know from personal experience that in fact, you can have something more develop from an initially primarily physical connection. After all, if you weren't attracted to each other you wouldn't have hooked up in the first place, am I right??

I decided to take a look at some blog posts and articles on the subject, and men seem as divided as we are on the topic, but the slight majority seems to be in favour of more being possible even if you sleep together on the first date. Interesting...one comment I found particularly applicable on "would you not date someone because she had sex with you on the first date was this one:
34. JJ, 21, straight -
Only if the guy is shallow. He did it too." (from http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2013/08/100-men-on-would-you-date-someone-who-slept-with-you-on-the-first-date/)

How true! There are plenty of other comments in this particular article, by men (of different ages and histories) who dated and in many cases married and had a family with a woman who they had sex with on the first date. That being said, there are also plenty of comments talking about how they think a woman's easy if she does it, and wondering "who else would she sleep with" if she'll sleep with you? Now hang on a second boys, why is it ok for YOU to be easy...and are we not supposed to wonder "who else would HE sleep with" from our side of the table? This one in particular irked me...

28. Owen, 27, straight

That would be bad. Sex is a conquest thing, if you sleep with him on the first date. He doesn’t have anything to look forward to from you from there. Will probably leave you in the dust.

Nice. It's wonderful to know that it's all a contest!

I'm not saying I go out and have sex on the first date, I haven't even had a date in well over a year...those are the things where you go out and have awkward conversations with a stranger and eat things you don't really pay attention to right? Or get hyper caffeinated sitting in Starbucks making idle chit chat because neither one of you wants to be the one to look rude and say you have to go...right? ; ) What I'm saying is, I haven't felt the connection the last several first dates I've had, to even think of going that next step. However, I do feel like if you meet someone great, or you have a friendship that transitions to sex, then a potential relationship shouldn't be taken off the table. It's just disrespectful to apply such a gender bias to the situation, and it puts all of the onus on the woman to "maintain her purity" and "behave like a lady", when maybe you're both just really ready to go for it and see what happens. I don't know if what anyone else thinks, but that's where my head is at today!  As number 82 in the list said "Why not? That just shows you know what you want".

Another day, another year...where has the time gone?

Well, it's been ages since I had much to say, and it's been around a year since I had anything to say about dating/men...I have no blog fodder!! lol


The house is in order again following the holidays...well...mostly. The sewing room is a little chaos vortex all its own, so I'm not counting it in the process of organizing the rooms that people might actually see if they come over. That's my little bastion of madness haha Hmm that sounds a wee bit mad doesn't it?

Let me see...not much else to report, either goal-wise or in results. The goals remain the same as they were last year: lose about 30 pounds, hike the Grind, get organized and STAY organized, oh and maybe travel again this year since I haven't gone anywhere since Easter 2012.

That's it folks! One thing I'll do in 2014 is endeavour to stay on top of my blogging, and maybe get out on some more dates so I at least have amusing disasters to report on! ;)

Slainte!

JuneBugs by Brandy

So, a little bit of shameless self-promotion...

I am having trouble marketing my handicrafts, but since I have both a Facebook page AND an Etsy shop, I thought I'd share them with all of you (because there are so many of you ;) lol).

My Etsy shop can be found at https://www.etsy.com/ca/shop/JuneBugs?ref=si_shop

My Facebook page can be found at https://www.facebook.com/JuneBugsBC

Visit, buy, share, promote! I look forward to hearing from you all soon!!

Skewed importance given digital time...

So, just a short post today, but I thought that this subject warranted some sort of discussion when it popped into my head last night.

I'm in a few different social groups on one level or another...a metaphysics focused book club, my church, friends I've met working at the university over the years, friends from high school, friends from my travels, etcetera Recently I added an acquaintance from one of these circles on Facebook. I figured that since we spend time together in real life, and we've exchanged ideas and laughs and have friends in common, well why not. Social media is after all how a lot of communication and exchange of ideas happen.

Last night I thought "I haven't gotten a response from person x yet, I'll take a peek at their profile..." When I got to said profile, the friend request button once again said "+1 Add Friend", not "Friend Request Pending". Huh.

I sat there for a minute and pondered this, because I had just seen this person a few days earlier and laughed and chatted one on one and in a group. The conclusion I came to was this: I'm not worthy of their digital time. I know, it's a bizarre notion...but we all make determinations of who we will share our digital selves with, either by utilizing security settings, or watching what we post where and when, or who we allow access to our profiles and pages.

The thing that bothers me most about this particular situation isn't the fact that they have decided to (quite obviously) exclude me from online contact. The part that bothers me most is how skewed our society has become towards the "importance" of online and the digital world. My mother and grandmother complain about it constantly, how our generation has no sense of how to behave properly, of manners, or sensitivity towards others who aren't immersed in the digital age. They may actually be on to something...

When I add a person on Facebook or other social media, it's because I have met them at some point in the real world, even if it was only a chance meeting at a book signing or something like that. If I wouldn't happily engage you in conversation face to face, why would I share my vacation photos or my angsts and triumphs with you? As a result, I have pared my "friends" list down to around 150 people, all of whom I consider at least an acquaintance, the bulk though are friends and family.

What this person has done, and many others (think of those people who have thousands of "friends"...what is that all about, really?!), is disconnect from real human relationships to a large degree. If you will spend time with someone in real life and discuss important events or break bread with them, what on earth could be so important about your Facebook, Myspace, LinkedIn or any other social media or online messaging, that you wouldn't share with them?

I think it's time for people to reevaluate their priorities. I know I will definitely be looking at certain people I encounter in my daily life who have imposed online embargoes on people in a different light.

Thoughts? Comments.

Time fliiiiiiiiiiiies!!

Wow, it's August 1. My last post looks to have been February...soooo much has happened since then!
I am not, however, going to try to fill you in on all of it in detail...suffice to say there have been dating experiences, there have been concerts, family turmoil, lots of new craft/sewing projects, and struggles in faith and community. Whew. Crazy times!!

2 weeks ago I did the South (first) peak of the Stawamus Chief in Squamish, BC. Wow. I'm so pleased that I survived the hike/slog/death march up and down that mountain!!! This was something I didn't think I'd manage, and is *technically* part of training for the Grouse Grind (I've been talking about doing this for over a year now haven't I...well I do mean to do it! Honest! lol).

Last weekend I hiked around Buntzen Lake in Anmore/Belcarra region. It's an 8km ish hike, and we did an extra 1km and I swam at the beach we hit after a couple hours. That was a good long hike, and it was varied terrain, as opposed to 2.5km straight up the side of a mountain *groans*

I think I'll try to mix it up a bit the next few weeks, and the plan is to hit Mercer Stadium in New West a few nights a week to do the stairs. The stairmaster is not an adequate training tool for large, uneven, stone and root stairs on trails like the Chief and the Grind.

I'm still working on some issues in my life, and boundaries are still not my strong suit, but hopefully in a month or two I'll be on a more even footing there. Maybe then I can look at taking on another activity or two...how else will I ever meet single men? Certainly not at church lol

So, there we go! Brief update and some forward thinking...

ps. Oh yeah, I started off on a 40 day prayer pact with a gal I know through my metaphysics focused book club...and I think I'm going to extend it to 365 days. Hopefully after that it will just be second nature! *fingers crossed*

Lesson or blessing?

Soooo...I think this will be the last entry regarding our confusing friend Sean (http://gorgeousingreengrowth.blogspot.ca/2013/01/why-cant-i-just-meet-nice-anglican-man.html and the others referenced therein).

I've tried messaging him casually a couple of times since Christmas, asking how his move was going...how his holidays were, that sort of stuff. I've gotten monosyllabic answers and brush-offs like "I'm still mid-move" (15 days after his move date hrm...).

So today I bit the bullet and sent him a text that I vowed to myself would be my last attempt to reach out and see where the heck things are at (considering we made out and snuggled and he was so awesome and it *seemed* like maybe there was something there after all these years...) after all, a gal's gotta know right?

So I said I was thinking of him and thought I'd say hi. He wrote back "Hi. I'm in unpacking chaos" So I said "Ooh brutal, I'd offer to help but I wouldn't be much help. If you ever want any company in the chaos let me know :) Think I'm off for a hot bath post snowshoeing"  He said "I think I'll be ok, just a lot of stuff to move around". So I decided to wrap the convo up and said I was about to settle in for a movie post soak and hopefully he's organized enough to hang out sometime in the near future.

Sean: "Ok, but as friends. Hope that's ok."

What. The. @*$# ?!?!?! Seriously?!? He comes over and makes a move and acts all cuddly and interested and says we'll get together again, and 5 weeks later it's "just friends" as though I initiated or had the expectation of more????

So I calmly wrote back "Ah, ok, sure :) wasn't sure where we left it after Christmas. We had fun though, so it's all good. I'm going to get organized and make dinner though, and you know where to find me, so happy unpacking! :D" Suuuuuuuuure it was overly cheerful with a tinge of F*** off you bastard to it, but whatever, it is what it is!

Sean: "Sorry if you got confused. We hung out a little, and it was fun"

We ....I'm sorry "We hung out a little and it was fun"?! He decided to go when I wouldn't go past making out...does this sound like a mature 32 year old here? To me it seems like a jilted teenager sulking about not getting to round the bases (remember he's the one that used that analogy :p ugh).

So, I wrote back one final note before putting my phone down "Like I said, we had fun. We're good" That is the last message I will send to him. If he messages and wants to hang out I will think very carefully before doing so, and I will ONLY do so as a friend...but quite frankly, given our history it's just so not going to happen. We've been screwing each other around emotionally for 6 or so years, we're not going to ever be able to be friends in truth, and clearly he's not the right guy for me or he would have shown it over the years instead of trying to push my boundaries and then being a dick when I stopped him.

Time to find a man who's mature, intelligent, has a strong faith life, ambition and plans for the future, and one who appreciates the fact that I'm an opinionated, sometimes lazy, occasionally overwhelming but considerate, loving, nurturing, sarcastic, quirky, woman with a faith life she loves who wants a man to complement her life, not be her life. Is it too much to ask to meet a man who I can have endless conversations about either grave world issues or something stupid like tv characters, but still have a spark, romance, and at the end of the day just a companionable respect and friendship? Hmm...guess we'll see what God has in store for me this year eh?

Either way, I'm going to live by the following saying from now on when it comes to people in my life:
"We met for a reason: you're either a blessing or a lesson". I now realize that Sean was a series of lessons and I'm finally learning what I was meant to learn. :) That feels great.

Off to groan and moan about the muscle pain from my long snowshoe trek today...can't wait for next week's go round :D

Winter fun

So, it's time to throw myself back into sharing ridiculously useless information with my nearest, dearest, furthest and the general population of the internet. Yay?

Let's see...what to say about the last...well, month I guess?

1) Going back to work on January 2nd after a shitty NYE night out and almost 2 weeks off work sucked so much worse than expected.

2) I FINALLY saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Sure they add a ton of crap that wasn't in the actual Hobbit, and there are some scenes that could be shortened without damaging any of the storyline/feel of it...but it's beautiful and it has a fantastic cast. Loved it.

3) I got some new fabrics and have a couple new projects on the go. One colleague has ordered oven mitts and pot holders (after ordering $180 of stuff for Christmas gifts back in November...so I think I'll do my best to keep her coming back! lol). Another has asked me to make a political figure voodoo doll, since I've started making anti-Valentine's day ones...we'll see if the political one turns out...

4) I'm going to start going to a reading group that a couple of friends I attend mass with are a part of...and I'm not sure but I think it may be over my head. Definitely an interesting book/topic, I just hope I can keep up! lol

5) I got to see my niece Miss B again last weekend...which was a ridiculously overdue visit, since I hadn't seen her in a month...I see my god son A more. Oh well.

6) The NHL lockout ended!!!!!!! Too bad my Canucks aren't the best in the league anymore...grrr....

7) Most importantly: I tried snow shoeing yesterday up at Grouse Mountain. Oh. My. God. That was the most fun I've had in the snow in a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery long time!!! Finally, an outdoor activity (and a winter one no less!!) that I enjoy. : D I'm hoping to do it at least once a week for the rest of the winter. I think it'd be a great thing for me to do, especially because I found it fun instead of onerous.

And a final note...I was told yesterday that my blog is reminiscent of Bridget Jones, and then later that I'm kind of like Liz Lemon...urgh. As crummy as that might be on the surface, Bridget gets her Mr. Darcy in the end...so I just have to sift through all the Daniels...ugh no more Daniels...let's see how February goes??

Why can't I just meet a nice Anglican man..?

So, do we all remember "Sean" from this post: http://gorgeousingreengrowth.blogspot.ca/2012/06/14-weeks-to-30-wednesday-recycling-or.html ?

Well, he's resurfaced.

I had finally accepted that whatever might have been wasn't meant to be. After 6 years or so or back and forth, attitudes, egos, hurt feelings and bs...that experimental evening pretty much crystallized it all in my mind.

Mid-November I got a perfectly nice text asking how I was, and I foolishly thought maybe he was attempting friendship as I'd suggested we attempt prior to our last encounter. After a few pleasantries he asked flat out if I was "interested in round 2?" Ah, the real reason for contact. Now remember, I never slept with him, but we did get close. At any rate, I politely declined, explaining that I'm no longer messing around or being silly, I have a baby god son now and I'm determined to start doing things right and want to date/find someone to settle down with. He said it was all good, and that was that. I was pretty proud of myself I must admit! All in all I figured I would never hear from Sean again, reasonable assumption - right?

On Dec. 15 as I was busily making dinner for an evening with my dad, and preparing for a night with AJ and baby A as well, I got a text from Sean. "Hey, looking for someone to go see a flick with tonight, hobbit mostly. Interested?"  He's never asked me to go to a movie as long as we've talked or hung out (sporadic though it's been over the years...) and this really knocked me for a loop. I had to say that while I'd love to see The Hobbit, I was booked back to back that night, but maybe another time.  Interestingly enough he replied that maybe he wouldn't see it that night after all and he'd let me know if he didn't go. Now, call me crazy, but you say you want to go to a specific movie on a specific night, and when I can't go say you might not go? That sounds suspiciously as though it was just an attempt to spend time together. Call me crazy...I said to let me know next time and mentioned a few nights over the holidays I was going to be free.

December 23rd text string:
8:38pm Sean: What you up to tonight?
9:16pm Me: Chilling. Was decorating my mom's tree.
9:16pm Sean: Ah. Was going to see if you wanted to hang out.
9:18pm Me: Oh, sorry I took so long to respond lol My phone was downstairs.
9:19pm Sean: I just started a movie. Just.
9:19pm Me: Ah well I shouldn't keep you! :)
9:21pm Sean: It's just on credits. What are you doing?

and it goes on from there... in the end he came over to watch a movie (because I was too lazy to go to his place, and the last time we had talked much he had a live-in girlfriend and I was in no mood to enter into an odd situation...)

He was SO NORMAL, and nice when he arrived. It was sort of disarming. He asked if I wanted help with the dishes I'd just put on to soak, and when I made cocoa he lingered and tried to be useful. He even complimented me on the weight I've lost and expressed interest in my activities and interests. It was downright bizarre.  Turns out he's moving closer, had just signed a new lease starting January 15th that evening. He and the girlfriend are totally quits, she's been living at a friend's place for ages, and he likened the breakup to a long term ICU patient...rough stuff, but apparently they're still friends (because I *really* care?!).  So we settled in with cocoa to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, because hello it's a classic! It didn't take long for him to cuddle up and before long he asked if I wanted to lay down and relax. I've now learned that couches - especially smaller "condo sized" models - are not really great for 2 adults to lie comfortably on. But I will admit that it was very nice and cozy, and felt all relationship-ey. He didn't make any moves, we joked about the movie and laughed and had fun...it was really nice...

After the movie he made a move, and I allowed it because I'll admit I wanted to kiss him and there was definitely a moment. But I stuck to my guns on my limits like I'd told him in November, and when he questioned why I said simply "what kind of girl would I be if I didn't stick to my principles?" and to his credit he just agreed, and went back to kissing me. I even said I was so content I could fall asleep right there and he indulged me for a while...another surprise.

So, this all sounds promising and respectful and like things might actually have potential right?? Except after that I didn't hear from him at all. I went a full week without a word from him...and the friend I was going out with for New Year's eve had an extra ticket, so I figured I'd run with the ball on this and ask him on the 30th if he had plans. Turns out he didn't but had friends to check with and would get back to me...and he didn't. When I messaged him he said he forgot to get back to me and was going to just hang out with friends. Now, who turns down a free ticket to a party downtown on New Year's eve with a woman they've expressed interest in merely a week before?  All I can think is that he actually thought he could sweet talk me into breaching my boundaries that night, and when I didn't he decided it wasn't worth the effort. I don't want to be negative, but that's the only way I can make this work in my head, especially when I messaged him today to ask if he'd been to see The Hobbit in the end and his response was "I did. It was good." Nice. Just a stupid little thing...but...do I respond if he ever messages again, or ignore him? Do I message him at some point and act totally casual and like I don't care? I really really REALLY don't know what I'm doing with a situation like this, but I'm fairly sure it's not one I want to be in.

I think he's going to keep popping up as long as I let him, and in the end he's not the right guy for me. I want to be with a man of faith, preferably someone who shares my faith because it's such an important part of my life. Someone that doesn't say it's not any fun not rounding the bases when I say I want to keep things at a certain level...we're not 15...are we?!

I'll have to think on this, but not too much. If I think about it too much I'll find a way to rationalize staying in touch or making a decision I'll regret, and that's not worth it at all.

Why can't I just meet a nice Anglican man?!?! Well, a nice man in general at this point...sheesh!