So it's Sunday night, and I'm sitting in bed pondering the upcoming week with my ipod on shuffle next to me. Well, not quite shuffle, it's playing the 25 most played tracks, which heavily features Mumford & Sons and The Script...aaah moody boys singing about emotions.
A thought occurred to me, one that I believe has actually crossed my mind before, specifically linked to Mumford & Sons "I Gave You All", and that is: I really wish I could apologize to all of the perfectly normal guys that I've encountered over the years.
There's something about that song that I can't quite put my fingers on, but it really resonates with me. Maybe it's lines like "if only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won". It really makes me think about all of the guys I've dismissed out of turn for some small fault or another, real or imagined; ok 99% of the faults were imagined, I admit it. Was I really so determined to maintain the status quo, so afraid of letting someone in, that I found it easier to unravel anything I started at the first stray thread?
There have been so many really great guys over the years that I completely discounted based on shallow, superficial, nonsensical "reasons". I hate to admit it, but my youngest brother once told me that I'd probably be married by now if I'd just stuck with it and given a guy a chance. There are two in particular that I think about, and to be perfectly honest, regret the way I handled things.
As usual, their names have been changed:
1) Sean: We met online 5 or 6 years ago when he answered an online dating ad I'd placed. I'll admit, I didn't even respond to his first couple of emails, mostly because he didn't include a photo, but also because I just didn't really feel anything when I read his emails...they seemed over the top. But on his third email he finally included a photo and I thought he was cute, so we struck up communication. We clicked, we chatted on the phone, texted, emailed, msn'd but never got around to meeting. He was living in a small apartment with a few other guys going to film school, and I was working full time and doing evening/correspondence classes trying to finish my history degree. That was one thing that I liked about him, he'd done a history degree as well. We had something in common as far as our academic interests went.
As time went on he got snippier when we were chatting, and I got more and more annoyed that we hadn't managed to meet in person. When he read a draft of one of my term papers one night and told me online how unoriginal it was and that my school clearly wasn't that good I lost it. We'd been chatting for a few months at that point, and I just didn't care after that. I cut off contact. At some point in the year after that I got back in touch, and we struck up our online friendship again. We finally got to meet in person, and I was excited because we were both single again (he'd been seeing someone when we first reconnected), and I thought this might be it!! I didn't feel a single spark and did my best to keep it on a friendly level from that point on. Over the next year or two we spoke/texted/chatted sporadically at best, but we were both changing. He'd always been sweet and relationship oriented, and I felt like he'd pursued me for the longest time...then suddenly he wasn't. He met someone again. Things got awkward because I had developed feelings for him again over the years of chatting...and when he said "You're one girl I wish I'd gotten to kiss", I felt he wasn't being fair.
So I started messing with his head a bit...intentionally. Telling him all about dates even once he was single again. Making sure he knew that other men found me interesting and appealing. I guess he figured it out, because he started to do similar things, and I finally got fed up and cut off communication again when he started asking if my cute room mate was single. We had been fighting off and on because he kept accusing me of being too negative, and taking myself too seriously. In retrospect he was 100% right. We didn't speak for a long time after that. At one point in 2011 I decided to email him and see how he was, because to be honest, I think about him and miss him more than I'd care to admit. I didn't know what to expect, but when he did write back it wasn't friendly or engaging. I had clearly done a number on him with my passive-aggressive b.s. back in the day. I'd messed up, and tried to explain that, and that I was sorry. I was rebuffed, softly, but essentially rebuffed.
Then I was going through my old phone just before Christmas this year and found his number. I copied it over to my blackberry and waited for New Year's Eve...and added it to the recipient list for my "Happy New Year!!" mass text, figuring that I could at least shrug it off if it wasn't his number anymore or something. 2 days after NYE he responded...saying that he was surprised I still had his number. We went back and forth a few messages, and I asked how life was etcetera. His response was...well, I'm going to say typical, because clearly he's not the same guy he was but I figure I deserve it...he told me that he'd moved to Burnaby 'with a gal' (I'm guessing a girlfriend? but...who knows...), and not to come on so strong and maybe he would message me sometime. Anyone else think that was a polite "fuck off"? So, when I hear "I Gave You All", I think about Sean in particular, and I'm not sure why...but it makes me regret the way I behaved because he was...and probably still is a REALLY great guy.
2) Jake: The story of Jake is MUCH shorter lol
We met online in the same way that I met Sean, except I messaged him from his ad this time. We hit it off, but I discounted him after a couple of msn chats because he kept bringing up his ex. I figured that he was carrying too much baggage (I know, pot, kettle, etcetera!). He kept on though, and we ended up meeting up for coffee one afternoon after I had a bad night with an ex and (I'm not ashamed to admit it) I needed a little esteem boost. He was great, engaging, intelligent, thought I was cute and smart and funny...what more could a girl want?? Well, after 3 hours or so of conversation in Starbucks we decided to make dinner back at my place, since my roommate & her boyfriend would be there for company. We stopped in for an errand or two I had to do on the way home, and that's when the 'faults' started to appear. He criticized my driving, something about me liking to stay in people's blind spots...because he could totally tell from the passenger seat? I don't know...it was odd. He had studied film in Ontario, and all the way through the movie he went on and on about themes, scores, cinematography, and basically ruined the entire movie. He made dinner, and apparently knew everything there was to know about cooking and food, at least that's how it came across. He was a know it all about anything we had a conversation about.
BUT he was sweet in his own way, he stayed the night and didn't make a move, even after a bottle of wine...and when I finally made a move, it was totally worth it. My roomie and I drove him home the next day, and he was really nice and normal still, even when I dropped him off...still normal. We both said we would talk when we talked, and see where it went. I figured the ball would be in my court if I wanted to see him again. Most guys wait 2-4 days right? WRONG.
Jake started texting and phoning the next day. By the end of the week I had about 20 texts and 5 or 6 missed called, the last few of which he started leaving voicemails. I suddenly realized what it feels like for a guy when a woman decides that she HAS TO make contact. It's stifling and a little bit frightening. I even tried talking to him and saying that I didn't expect this intensity of communication, especially since we'd said it was no big deal. Now, I may have led him on...because (a) I didn't tell him I wasn't looking for a relationship (I was heading to Ireland for a trip a month later...who wants to be tied down on vacation?? well that's where my head was at at THAT point :p), and (b) I didn't tell him to stop calling/texting, I just didn't answer. I figured that at some point he would take a hint and move on. I tend to be the queen of just not responding as a method of cutting ties. Most of the time it works within 2 or 3 communications. This guy was just..more determined.
It finally got to the point where I sent him an email telling him that my therapist (who didn't exist) didn't think that I should be dating at this point in my counselling. I figured it would be the fastest way to put an end to any interest the guy had in me. It didn't work! He told me that he respected that, but would still like to be a part of my life because he cared and wanted to be there for me in whatever capacity I wanted. In the end I told him I have 3 brothers who work in steel, and that I know where he lived and if he didn't want me to put matters into their hands, he was going to stop messaging me. Forever.
Now, he was less normal than Sean, but how do I know he wasn't just nervous? How do I know he wasn't a great guy that REALLY liked me, and was just on edge? My roommate thought he was a nice guy, I'm sure anyone I would have introduced him to would have liked him...but I found him too needy.
So, what's the moral of these two stories? Well, clearly I have a habit of driving nice guys crazy...or at least I did before I realized some of my bad habits and the assumptions I've made.
I really do wish I hadn't been so wrapped up in being an academic and taking myself seriously when I first met Sean, because he was a blast. There are so many conversations I've missed having with him over the years because I was too negative and drove him away, or because I did specific spiteful things, just to make him mad because he'd already made me mad. How pointless, and how spiteful I've been to myself.
As for Jake, well, I wish I could tell him there was no therapist and that he just came on way too strong...because he didn't deserve that.
I just wish I could tell them each these things...well, I've told Sean a few of these things, but I think that ship sailed a loooong time ago.
Hopefully I'll keep this all in mind with the next great guy I meet.
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