How to avoid being murdered in a warehouse by the river...or, tales from Tinder.

We're all familiar with my adventures on POF, correct? Well, I decided to try something new - Tinder. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Isn't that just for hookups?" You're not wrong if you take it at face value, based on the majority of posts and profiles, believe me!  However, I've heard of a handful of women I actually know, having been on some lovely dates with nice guys, and a couple of them even struck up meaningful relationships as a result. Will wonders never cease?!

Last week I started chatting with a perfectly normal seeming man, let's call him Bob...who works as a contractor in some outlandish specialized field catering to the wealthy in our region. Bob, it turns out, was also in band as a teenager and we both lamented on having gone through more than our share of reeds playing alto saxophone and the costs to our respective mothers of said reeds. We had some fun back and forth, agreed we each found the other appealing and that conversation seemed to be going well.

Then he started talking about how much he loves heavy metal and how it's his outlet - and gee isn't it handy that he lives in an apartment in an industrial neighborhood with no neighbors so he can play as loud as he wants without bothering anyone? He also told me that an ex-girlfriend had broken up with him over the music...always interesting. When I asked how that came to be, he explained that she was weak minded. Ah...good to know.
Still, you never know why a relationship fails or prospers, so I opted reserve judgement. I mean, after all, musical taste isn't a dealbreaker for me - unless they can't stand country...then we're done. ;)

So, we continued talking, and he invited me to come over for "grilled cheese and a movie", since he was planning a quiet night in. I must say, I was actually considering it...for the first time in a while I was talking to a guy who wasn't asking sexually loaded questions or throwing out ultimatums about what sort of woman he needs in his life, or bragging about his vehicle/genitalia/vacations/salary/etc. Pretty heady stuff *rolls eyes*. As we talked I told him it would take me some time to get out to his area, since he was over 2 bridges, and suggested we meet at a pub halfway instead - largely because I had made a vow after the last 3 not to go out of my way to meet a first date - only to be rebuffed. He told me that he didn't have any disposable income at the moment, or he would of course want to go out. That was red flag number one...no disposable income whatsoever? Not even enough for coffee or a beer? I've been strapped in the past, but I've always found a little bit of wiggle room.

I decided to offer an alternative to keep things closer to home - literally - and said he could come to my place then if he liked, since he wasn't working that afternoon, and it would be easier. "I don't drive" he says. I responded with "Aah, I see", as an adult human male outside my neighborhood/on the other side of the river who doesn't drive is in fact a deal breaker for me. In response he said "I mean I do drive, I just don't have a company truck today".
Me: "So you just don't have your own vehicle then?"
Bob: "Yeah, it's a long story haha"
Me: "I have time..."
Bob: "Later"  - Red flag number two.

My curiosity was definitely piqued at this point, and I was starting to wonder just what his agenda was. I agreed to meet him, simply to get his address and see where this mysterious "industrial neighborhood" at the foot of the Alex Fraser bridge was. I told him that I was taking a risk in meeting a strange fellow at his place, and he responded (a little too quickly) that he was taking a chance having a "potentially crazy stalker chick" to his place, but that he was "willing to take the risk". A little too slick on the response there buddy boy. - Red flag three.

He sent me his address, which I promptly entered into Google maps...which was (drumroll please!) a warehouse. Not an apartment building in a warehouse district - a full-on warehouse. He also gave me his cell number, and told me to text when I arrived...

Bob: "Text me when you arrive and I'll show you where to park. It'll be unit #10" (Bob's unit in the warehouse is #4 btw)
Me: "I Google mapped it for directions...it's a warehouse...like, an actual warehouse, not an apartment?!"
Bob: "Yeah, I know, weird right?"
Me: "Yeah, really adds to the randomness thing..."
Bob: "Ahah"

RED ALERT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. MAN THE ESCAPE PODS.

I sat back and thought about it for a few minutes...the only conclusion I could come to was that he was going to have me park a ways away from the unit he was living in, and that "bad things" would happen to me, and my car would likely disappear and no one would ever know what happened to me.

SO, given that he didn't know my last name, email, cell number, address, where I worked or anything else...I unmatched him on Tinder and tore up the piece of paper with his number and address on them. Thankfully on Tinder, once you unmatch someone, your messages disappear and the connection is gone too. They can never message you again unless you re-match.

So there you have it folks...don't go to industrial areas at night, because you'll likely disappear.

Maybe I've been watching too many BBC crime dramas on Netflix...but I figure I made a good decision - don't you??

Why you should never date a prison guard...

I’ve had yet another awful date…and this one takes the cake!

Zack, who works in corrections, and has the personality of papier mache (and about the same complexion), pursued me off and on through a local dating site for about several years. I never went out with him because a) I was young and didn't think his job was hot enough (yes, I admit it), and b) he lives in Abbotsford. Periodically he'd message me and I'd get out of it...for a while we were even Facebook friends...but  I always cut contact after not too long. Well, this time, I've been reading a book about settling for Mr. Good Enough if you want to get married and have a family...so I figured, why not? He's still into me, he's messaged me again...I'll see what he's like! No. Just go with your gut if you're ever in this situation...trust me. 

I had been text messaging with him for a couple of days when he started talking about sex, and his equipment, and my body, even when I requested he not. I was told "don't want a shy woman ;)" - wait, so I don't get an opinion on topics of conversation that make me uncomfortable? Ok, cool, good to know... I let that pass and figured maybe he was just overly brash by text...so we made plans for dinner a couple weeks ago, and I drove out to the valley on my day off in order to meet him. Let's be honest, I've made a habit of trekking out to meet guys and they're ALWAYS a disappointment...so at least I've learned that lesson...finally.  On this particular occasion I left late afternoon on my day off, and got into the traffic shuffle of rush hour in the Lower Mainland, fully aware that it would take me quite a while to get out to Abbotsford for the meeting. That being said, I had never been to House of James (Christian bookstore & coffee shop), so I was looking forward to getting to finally check it out. 

After a little under 2 hours in bumper to bumper traffic on Hwy 1, I arrived in Abbotsford and set out to explore the store - dangerous...but that's another story! ;)

Not long after I got out there and he called to say he was going to be late, but that I should pick him up at his place and we'd go for Chinese. Now, I've already driven all the way out there and he expects me to pick him up...that didn't sit well with me. When I got there, he was indeed late, and showed up in ripped clothes, and not even stylishly weathered...I mean jeans he'd torn the knee on, that weren't hemmed short enough for him so they were frayed and filthy - another so called 5'8", this time he was shorter than me in my 1.5" heels. In the end he took one look at my little beater of a car and we took his...and by the way - he's an aggressive driver who doesn't use turn signals. SOOO exciting.

You know what else is fun? Having your date put his head down on his crossed arms at the table half a dozen times, check the football score, and then start talking about the well known local convicted serial killer who's on his block that he speaks to every day.  


He also insisted on talking about future dates and spending nights and weekends together, and complaining that we would have to stay at his place all the time, since my parents live upstairs from me (an increasingly regular occurrence for singletons in the GVRD due to the economy and housing costs!). I disabused him of the notion that my parents aren't human beings with a sex life of their own, and assured him that I carry on a normal social and romantic life in my own home...and in the end I put it quite bluntly - "get over it". Not that he had a snowball's chance of ever needing to worry about it at this point!

But wait - it gets better!!!! When the bill came, he didn't even turn it over to look at it...just leaned back in his chair and asked how much it was when I reached - then asked if I wanted to "just split it down the middle" and said he would pay next time - not that there would be a next time! So I went along with it, I just wanted to get back to my car (parked at his place argh) and go home...an hour drive away. After paying, as we walked out of the restaurant, he grabbed the back of my neck and gave me a couple half hearted one handed squeezes...I shrugged him off, and the next thing I knew he hauled off and smacked my ass so hard he knocked me forward 2 steps. Now, I'm a big, curvy girl...he put some oomph behind that smack. I whipped around, "EXCUSE me?!" and he just grinned at me and said "Just a tap" and shrugged his shoulders.  I was then regaled with how hard it is for anyone he dates with his schedule, and that when he's on his 4 days on schedule, I would have to accept never getting to see him. Oh shoot...

Jump to us arriving back at his place, and him asking if I want to come up. I ended up saying yes, simply because I needed to use the bathroom, but he got snarky and said I could say no if I wanted to. Just to spite him I reiterated that I would come up - for half an hour. When we got upstairs, I realized I couldn't bring myself to use his washroom, so sat gingerly on the couch...at which point he demanded a back rub. Yup...that happened...

So you know what? I gave him one. With my elbows. After 5 or so minutes I told him I was getting sore, and he had begun whimpering, so I figured I'd made my point - until he laid back and put his head on my chest and told me how much he liked having me there. Good lord...the man had no idea what he was doing, or the effect he was having on me!!!

At exactly 30 minutes after arriving, I told him I had to leave...and got up, heading for the door. He came up and hugged me, then kissed my cheek, and asked if he was going to get to see me again. I replied "anything is possible" and legged it out the door. 

This one really was one of the more interesting ones in a while...but seriously?! What is it about me that inspires this sort of thing? I clearly need to set some better boundaries, or just stop dating for a while...

Carpenters and couriers and men who can't read a clock...

Ok, so fall 2016 has been another adventure in bad dates...to the point where I've almost got a ritual of going home, putting on pjs, turning on Netflix and pouring myself a (very nice!) glass of scotch. My Facebook friends are even starting to recognize what it means when I post a photo of scotch in front of the tv. Yes, it's been that much fun!

A brief recap...starting in the last week of September we had Aaron, who is a driver for a large courier chain.

Aaron sleeps with his 100+pound pitbull mix dog, the hair on his arms had hair I SWEAR, said he was 5'8" and was barely the same height as me - 5'5", maybe 5'51/2" in sneakers. He was late, after I went to his neighborhood...a cardinal sin, but the main similarity in ALL THREE of my bad dates so far this fall. Go figure. He'd seemed really nice and sweet when we were talking on the phone and texting, but when we came face to face, there was absolutely zero chemistry...I've had better chemistry with waiters at Boston Pizza. I will say, he paid for our drinks, and walked me to my car, and never bothered to message me again - I'm thinking the lack of spark was mutual. That, or he picked up the crazy I was throwing down. I started talking about how many babies I want, and how crazy my family is, and told him I've got a temper...none of which scared him off. It was bizarre! I think me beating a path for my car and putting the door between us was his hint though. I do wish him all the best though, we just weren't a match.

After that came the Big Gay Whistler Wedding for my friend and his new hubby. I had high hopes of meeting up with a lovely bearded Scotsman I'd gone out with last fall when he was in the city...sadly, our schedules didn't match up, and I was left messaging a guy name Stew I'd met online.

Stew and I had been talking for about a week off and on at that point, and he'd just gotten back from visiting his hometown in the maritimes. Shock of shocks, he asked me out on a proper date (to a BC Lions game...meh), and didn't mention sex or even make an innuendo once. He was the picture of polite and I was really looking forward to finally meeting a nice guy. A few days later, once I was back in town, we decided to meet up for a drink rather than wait for the game day to roll around. Boy am I glad we did... Once again, I drove out to where he lived, and once again, my date was late. For the first time in my life I nearly walked out of a pub before a date arrived! He kept texting and saying he was 5 or 10 minutes away, and when he finally showed up he was 35 minutes late. He ordered 2 pounds of hot wings and a caesar, and proceeded to dunk his fingers in his glass to fish out the garnish, and then attacked this plate of wings and just...sauce...everywhere...talking around it, and he did. not. shut. up. He was wiry and pale, and sat sort of hunched over like someone was going to sneak up and take his food. I was regaled with several bizarre tales about how difficult his life has been since moving to BC, and how he actually hates working and all the people out here, but that he's just got to keep going. I didn't even order a drink...I sipped water...and after about 45 minutes I finally made my excuses and went to leave - he insisted on walking me to my car. The waitress didn't know what to make of him, she kept walking past and making faces at his back, picking up stuff he'd knocked off the bar station next to him or his jacket he dropped multiple times. It was something else... I did the slow fade on that one and he didn't really seem terribly bothered in the end. Home to Netflix and scotch that night.

(Not that I have all of these...but I'd like them haha)

So, part of this is on me - I should have left when Stew was more than 10 minutes late, and really I shouldn't have gone out of my way to go to meet them. That being said, it's interesting just how many men are willing to behave like total prats and don't seem to get that they're not showing ANY manners to their dates.

What's the opinion on how much effort to put into a date? Should we women be asking, or driving out of our way, and putting all the effort in, or should we require men to prove their interest?

And more importantly, why do I keep getting treated like an option, rather than a prize?

Online dating misrepresentation: or, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Vancouver edition...

Why do people lie online?

I'm starting to feel as though I may be part of a floundering minority: the confused few who tell the truth in the online world(s).

For the 2^nd time in 5 or so months I had a first date with a man who proved not to be the man in the photo I'd been conversing with. Now, I'm used to men using old photos of themselves…prior to weight gain or hair loss, but there's a huge difference between wishful thinking and blatant falsification.  The most interesting thing in both instances is that they weren't using photos of guys who resembled them at all, but neither photo was actually any better looking than the actual individual who showed up. I find this REALLY confusing and frustrating, anyone else with me on this??

Case 1: The guy I was talking to for a couple of weeks was sweet, interesting, polite, and while he wasn't anything to write home about, I thought that I'd meet up with him and see how it went. The photo on his profile was a tall, lanky, moustached hipster type, fair skinned with brown hair. The fellow who showed up at the restaurant was a middling height, patchy beard bearing, stocky, bespectacled Hispanic man. He was here from El Salvador working with Telus, learning new techniques for his company which Telus outsources work to. As nice as he was, and as well as conversation flowed (a) there was no spark on my end, and (b) he essentially started off our entire interaction with a lie.  I never addressed it, but I never saw him again. I was totally flabbergasted, as I'd never encountered such a blatant bait and switch before.

Case 2: A man started messaging me about a week and a half ago, and we seemed to hit it off, and when we spoke on the phone there seemed to be potential so we made plans to get together last night. I'd had qualms when he wouldn't send another photo, as he only had one on his profile, and it looked a bit young for a 40 year old…but I figured I'd wait and see, and anticipated maybe a weight gain and some hair thinning. Once again, I waited patiently for my date, and the man who walked up was NOT the one in the photo. Instead of a 6' tall man with big brown eyes, brown hair and a bit of a baby face for 40, I was approached by someone who was 5'8" at the most, blond, balding (a lot), blue eyes, looked 45 if he was a day and just clearly was NOT the person in the photo. He was polite and attractive in his own right, as well as fit, so I'm utterly at a loss as to why he didn't use his own photo. The only thing that I can think is that he's married, and that he's definitely lying about his age.  He also talked about how he's  house sitting for friends in Richmond and can't wait to get back into the market, but that he also travels a lot and often spends a week or two in Calgary – none of this was mentioned prior to meeting face to face…coincidence? I think not.

It seemed to me that both of these men were trawling online for quick fun, using all of the buzzwords that they thought would get them somewhere with a local gal and not get them into any trouble. Am I crazy? I've heard of men who have multiple girlfriends, the proverbial girl in every port…but I think I'm finally starting to see the modern development of it…

What's a girl to do?!

I think I learned a new euphemism for rehab tonight...

Wow, it's been 13 1/2 months since my last entry...I need to work on that eh??

I couldn't resist tonight, after 3 hours in Metrotown with a guy from Eharmony, who really made me question the legitimacy of their supposedly accurate matches!!

I started communicating with "Bob" through the Eharmony patented "guided communication" about 4 days ago. We quickly moved over to our regular email addresses, but he didn't want to talk endlessly online because he said he was more energetic and personable in person. This didn't seem odd, lots of guys don't like online communication all that much, and generally can't seem to spell at more than a 4th grade level, which makes reading their communiques less than stimulating. We made plans to meet this evening for coffee at the Metrotown Chapter's Starbucks, and continued communicating the last couple of days via email off and on...despite his protestations against emailing much...with him initiating the online communication daily. Okie dokie.

I have to say, the long (as in 5-7 hours) gaps between emails seemed a tad strange to me in this uber connected day and age...but I figured he was busy working or something, or meeting other gals from the site or something, nothing outrageous.

I showed up at the mall early, so I could do some browsing (I do loooove my books mmmm), and when I spotted Bob, I was a tad disappointed... Why is it that men never seem to update their dating profile photos? Oh, sure, his face looked the same, same haircut...but I'd wager his photos (which I thought were reasonably cute) are at least 2-3 years old, which in many cases isn't a big deal - I myself haven't changed much in the last several years, in some cases appearing to age backwards it seems :p - but it's the weight that had changed. In his photos I would have described him as "sturdy", but the fellow I encountered in Starbucks was more on the hefty side...which I learned is due partially to 4+ Timmy's double doubles a day, constant fast food and various other bad habits. Now, I know, people in glass houses, etc, BUT I update my photos every few months and make sure they're an accurate representation of me physically. No guy will ever have cause to say "you don't look like your picture" to me!! 

We started talking and it was clear to me that something was up...it turns out he's not from here, he's from Alberta, and he's out here "at a wellness course for a couple of months" and once that's done he's going to work on a big project back in Edmonton, and then he'll move out here because it will provide better balance for him which will keep him on an even keel and then he won't need to do things like take 2 months off to go learn how to live right and make healthier choices and decompress. Apparently this "course" is in a compound, and you have to do chores and group work and feelings talks and journaling and there's no cell phones allowed and limited internet use, and on and on. Anyone else thing that sounds a helluva lot like rehab???? 

It also turns out he has quite an extensive knowledge of the BC drug trade, and players in certain areas and who controls what...always interesting to find out :p What's a farm boy from Alberta doing with THAT knowledge? Makes me wonder what business he'd be doing out here! 

It gets better...in his mid 20's he was driving drunk and leapt a highway, then plowed into a wall at 150kph and nearly died...and he didn't even get charged with anything! He was also pretty proud of all the impaired charges his "very expensive, very good" lawyers had gotten him out of, on all sorts of technicalities. The kicker was learning later that he has a BC driver's license, even though he was born and raised in AB  and lives and works there now...know why he keeps it? Because the bulk of his driving (of course) is in AB, and therefore charges and tickets don't go on his BC license, he just pays them off. What. The. Frell. Seriously...I cannot even make his crap up.

He also had a Tinder incident with his ex...as in she found out he was on Tinder while they were together. His justification? He wasn't meeting up and having sex or anything, he was just chatting and looking...yeah...no. Wow.

I could go on and on and on...he has a totally normal family, his brothers are doctors and other professionals, his sister is studying law...he's super smart himself, but apparently just doesn't use his brain at all. Boggles the mind!!

He insisted on walking me to my car in the underground, so he could be sure I wouldn't get mugged...I was honestly afraid he was going to make a move, and all I could think was "is that the start of a cold sore on his lip?"  He was pretty jittery after 2 giant coffees, and I made my excuses about having to be up at 6am for work...and he went off to catch the skytrain back to the compound...I'm still not sure where exactly that is, but hey, ignorance may be bliss.

I guess a guy in rehab is several steps up from the shatter junkie who tried his darnedest to move in on my whole life in the 8 days we went out last summer...or the Brazilian Hank Moody wannabe in 2014 who was seeing multiple women at the same time. At least now I'm seeing the red flags ahead of time haha Now the key is just moving away and ending communication. I highly doubt I'll see Bob again, which is probably for the best. The dude even knows what drug/street gangs started in my town...that creeped me out ore than a little, SO not a good sign :p

Still holding out hope that I'll meet a nice, reasonably sane, non-addict, nerdy, slightly left of center kind of guy...preferably one without a checkered past or insane exes with kids...I know, I'm asking a lot aren't I?? ;)

Back into the trenches...